Odds makers are having a bit of fun again his year prior to the kickoff for the Royal Ascot setting the odds on what the Princess Uglies, Beatrice and Eugenie can do for a 'topper' after the Royal Wedding great hat fiasco!
Millinery Mavens say they will have to go some to beat the "Ribbon Festooned Toilet Seat" and 'Dead Bird Impaled on a Rock" creations which gained them worldwide ridicule. Definitely not the kind of fashion acclaim these two attention seeking sister-uglies were hoping they'd garner.
All eyes will be focused on Prince Andrews 'work shy', wishful thinking daughters on Thursday as Ladies' Day always brings out the worst in millinery fashion, not to mention the crotch high skirts , gravity defying bustiers and 8 inch hooker heels. Add to the mix the usual assortment of gum chewers, looking like they've been "ridden hard and put up wet" by the conclusion of the festive day and you have the perfect recipe for just an ordinary British day at the races. Eat your hearts out Colonial Cousins. You could never equal this Punch and Judy show.
This year, in an effort to clean up the image of the iconic event, start of the social season as they perceive it, race sponsors have set some sartorial guidelines and put in place 'fashion police' at the turnstiles. No more the crotch and derriere baring short skirts or strapless tops, a parody perhaps of the countries sagging economy. Sadly nothing has been put in writing to cover Millinery mayhem, or the lack thereof.
Most women, it has been found after a frustrating search, will be hard pressed to meet the dress standards, if local boutique catalogues are any indication. Finding a dress that modestly skims the knee, or happens to hang even longer, is "thigh nigh" impossible according to a survey conducted by women of a certain age.
Said one comely and demure lady who will quietly own up to being 'slightly older than 30', "just take a gander at these rags. Looks like a walking billboard for a quick shag behind the pub! And those heels, no wonder all those tarts fall down in the gutter after a night out on the town. Bit wobbly if you ask me!"
A quick look on line for a suitable hat or 'fascinator', a genuine misnomer if ever there was one, didn't do much either for one who merely wanted to visit the event for the first time and wallow in some British Culture. I find it difficult to decide who exactly will be 'fascinated" by the sight of a satellite dish launching off one's brow, or turkey feathers assaulting anyone within 5 meters of its wearer.
A bespoke hat starts at £650 and runs up faster the more it looks suitable for a Gypsy wedding between 2 first cousins!
And for those jauntily-adhered exercises in bad taste perched on one's head like
raspberry chutney drizzle on the Nouvelle Cuisine at a bad French Restaurant, "Well, Madame, that'll be a mere £420, vat not included!"
"Fascinator" my arse, might as well walk around with a bouquet of bloody daffodils
sticking out me bum," said one disgusted lady who had more than a modicum of taste left after pricing out head gear masquerading as an alternate for the 'full hat' approach. "I could put a colander on me head and have a nice display of flowers popping up out of its holes for about £15 and it would be more practical and safer when the riot breaks out! Plus I can use the colander after the shenanigans are over for shelling peas or the like. More functional if you ask me!"
And speaking of the races, reporter Aphrodite says, after shopping on line to no avail for suitable apparel, she'll likely be home on the couch with a magnum of bubbly and rooting the undefeated Australian filly "Black Caviar' on to victory Saturday as the races culminate in the Jubilee Stakes.
"Anyone who spends £2500 to dress like a clown and get drunk in public is nothing more than a horse's arse, " said the politically incorrect scribe. "However, offer me a chance to feature on Page Three, well then, I'd be off to the races!"