Written by queen mudder
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Monday, 18 June 2012

image for Bookies slash odds for Queen no-show at Royal Ascot
What do you mean, you bastard, that 'my eyes look like two cherries in a glass of buttermilk?'

Windsore, Berks - Reports that she clocked a shiner in a row with Prince Philip have been hastily put down to a playful pillow fight.

But the discovery of a ten pound brick inside a monogrammed cushion cover has successfully rubbished the Palace's play-fight spin.

This morning royal quacks insisted on bleeding Her Majesty by applying organic leeches from inside her nose.

It is hoped that the last burrowing maggot will be out by the evening giving HM the all-clear for the start of Royal Ascot tomorrow.

"Wouldn't count on, you daft twerps," an online bookmakers' Head of Tarot Predictions tweeted today.

"Just taken a wall of wonga for HM's no show Tuesday," Aintgottaprayer.con's Dave Mug-Punta continued, "and it's now even money if she'll even survive the knight!"

The rant was followed by further embarrassment this time at St George's Chapel, Windsor during the afternoon's Order of the Garter service for jumped-up trolls.

Masquerading as bona fide members of the Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Penis cult the impostors were lead by Prince Philip in a rousing rendition of an old 60s number.

"Don't roll them bloodshot eyes at me," the Duke cackled in a high-pitched soprano as he was joined by the Dean of Windsor in the Bees Make Honey version of the popular song

"Use to spend my money/To make you look real neat/Wannabe proud of you/When we walk down Easy Street/Girl I spent that money/On them satins and them silks/Your eyes look like two cherries/In a glass of buttermilk!"

Edward the Confessor is 94.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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