Written by Dave Stewart
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Topics: Liverpool, Bus, Transport

Monday, 18 June 2012

At 10.20am British Transport Police responded to an incident on St. Mary's Road, Garsten, Liverpool, following a 999 call that a bus' timely arrival had compromised cherished national satisfaction with mediocrity. The current standard by which the bus service across the country operates is that all members of the public should expect the 1000 bus to arrive at 0956, 1008, 1020, drive past displaying 'Not In Service', or not arrive at all. Never in the history of the nation has a bus arrived at the time printed on the timetables, which are devised by Primary 3 school children by picking numbers out of a small top-hat.

Assistant Chief Inspector Nigel Mansell released the following statement:

"We can confirm this morning that police responded to an incident following several emergency calls from concerned members of the public. A bus driver has been detained for questioning and we can state that he appears to be of German nationality - this may explain his philosophy with regards to punctuality. The Germans may put up with this kind of functionalism but we, the British people, maintain our right to stand around like idiots waiting on our average mass transit system without so much as complaining. It is expected that the driver will be deported back to his original position in Neukölln with Deutschebahnsofortbusfährtfirma GmbH."

Sir Paul McCartney, of the Beatles, commented:

"I sold my last house in Liverpool in 1983. I very rarely go there due to touring and immediate family commitments. I have no idea why you're at my door asking me about the bus service. Will you please go away."

Further details are to be released by Liverpool Council following an investigation which will be conducted by a bus conductor, appointed to the role based on the similarity between the verb 'to conduct' (investigate), and the name of his job 'conductor.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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