Written by IainB
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Saturday, 16 June 2012

image for Dorking couple arrested after miscommunication
"Fancy coming out and wetting the slide?" nudge nudge, wink wink

Dorking couple, Doris and Harold Heinz have been arrested after a series of public indecency offences left them in hot water.

"It all started when our new neighbours moved in," said Doris Heinz, 57, who has been bailed, pending trial. "We thought that they were very friendly. We went round for a house warming party, and all their friends were very nice and friendly too."

"It was a relief at first," said Harold Heinz, 57. "You never know what you're going to get with new neighbours. As it happens, we'd have been better with a group of ravers."

According to Doris, the main topic of conversation revolved around holidays.

"We joined in the conversation," said Doris. "We said that we too enjoyed cottaging, especially in the Cotswold's."

This led onto further conversations.

"I think this was when we got into trouble," said Harold. "We thought that they were suggesting taking our dogs for a walk together in the park when they asked if we wanted to go swinging round the park for a bit of dogging the following night."

"We don't normally take the dogs for a walk at night," said Doris. "But we thought that they might appreciate it."

The pair were surprised to discover that their neighbours didn't own a dog when they showed up the following night.

Harold remembers the night vividly. "Peter, that's the man in their relationship, asked me if I enjoyed a bit of tea-bagging. Well, I thought I did as it happens. I like it black with a bit of honey, and I told him so. He laughed, and asked who didn't."

Unfortunately for Doris and Harold, it transpired that their new neighbours were part of an undercover sting operation by the local police and the moment they all stepped onto the park, they were nicked.

"It was awful," said Harold. "We told them that there had been a misunderstanding, but they didn't believe us."

"That's true," said Doris. "Why did they have to use so many euphemisms? If they'd just come out and said they wanted a wild sex orgy in the open, then we'd have been able to take more precautions. We never get caught normally."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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