Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Scotland, Rubbish

Thursday, 18 May 2006

image for Scottish rubbish dump piano mystery Liberace poser
Ben Nevis dustmen retrieve instrument

Ben Nevis, Scotland; Thursday 18 May 2006 - (Associated Mess): A piano graveyard has been found inside a stone cairn in Scotland's premier rubbish dump, also known as Ben Nevis mountain, leading to speculation that it may be Liberace's missing instrument.

Historically the site - like the late Liberace himself - has been associated with the dumping of all manner of fetid trash and, as such, was designated a Site of Outstanding Natural Beauty by the Scottish Tourist Board in 9/11 2001.

Since then, it has been voted the EU's No 1 Tourism Heritage Eyesore and as such attracts millions of foreign visitors each year.

Dustment who found the baby grand said that Ben Nevis was the UK's traditional geological trash heap and generations of B-List entertainers, celebrity wannabees and even failed politicians had used it to offload their dodgy waste. "But this little Beckstein really takes the biscuit", said their spokesperson.

More clues pointing to a possible Liberace connection were unearthed when a McVities wholemeal biscuit wrapper also emerged at the site with the instrument, with a bar code dated 'Best before December 1986'.

Liberace died 4 February 1987.

Scottish Police have been called in to investigate the mystery: "We are now trying to track down who took it there", said a spokesperson. "We may even give them an outstanding parking ticket for 20 years storage of a piano under a cairn on Ben Nevis.

"If the Liberace link is proven then his estate might have to cough up quite a bit for posthumous rubbish disposal.

"We have a constant battle against litter being left on Britain's biggest highest mountain - but this elevates being a litter lout sky high into a completely different category.

"We know Liberace had a huge Scottish following but was often careless and preyed on the locals to harbour his torrents of effluvia....... but we never expected to find something like this."

The local dustmen's, refuse collectors' and street-sweepers' trade union was quick to offer its own theories as to how the piano got onto the mountain after one semi-retired member recalled how in the 1960s Liberace had a careless habit of forgetting where he most liked to play with his instrument: "I bet that if frogmen dragged the bed of Loch Ness itself they would find a few more of this artist's forgotten secrets", he pronounced wisely.

The Scottish Tourist Board is now hoping a local piano devotee may make them an offer for this semi-fossilised relic which could be put up auction on e-Bay or re-cycled by an enterprising trash collector for subsequent public exhibition in the foyer of the new Scottish Parliament building.

"Alternatively, we might donate it to The Prince's Truss which is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year. Charles and Camilla are known to be great Liberace fans and have modelled many of their sartorial greatest hits on wardrobe secrets inherited from him via another devotee, the Queen Mother....."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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