London - The latest leg of the Olympic Torch relay is looking doomed amid elf n safety fears for its Regent's Canal lap of honour.
The grossly obese Mayor of Camden insists on accompanying the Games totem despite predictions 'she'll sink the barge' on its trip to the Kings Cross landing stage at Granary Square.
Experienced bargemaster Rodney Crankshaft said today his souped-up 'Spirit of Fartwell' - last seen in the Diamond Jubilee Thames Pageant - might not make it if Mayor Johnson comes aboard.
"We're likely to sink around St Mark's Square if that woman insists on accompanying the torch," he muttered as plans for the ceremonial two mile voyage began to unravel.
The newly elected Camden Mayor's PR website shows a barrage balloon kinda image which nutrition experts estimate show her weighing in 'at around 35 stone'.
Decked out in official bling and Council regalia Ms Johnson vast frame is a sight for sore eyes...especially considering some of her self-declared interests.
Top of the list is her stewardship of Camden's Health Scrutiny Committee - a watchdog keeping tabs on unhealthy residents...such as the borough's estimated 20,000 lardarses.
A belief in wacko predestination such as Chinese astrology sees Heather claim her official status is due to her being born under the Year of the Dragon.
Twelve years ago during the last previous [metal] Dragon Year transit Ms Johnson enjoyed a successful tenure of mayoral orifice - which she put down to her astrologically aligned luck.
This year's Water Dragon Year is an altogether different kettle of fish as soothsayers warn against testing the waters 'without losing at least 20 stone'.
"Hey, you idiots, Fat Is A Feminist Issue, Innit?" someone on the Olympics website commented this afternoon.
"Besides, still plenty of time to reinforce the barge. Wanna see pics of Heather in a barrage balloon over Central London, leafleting lucky residents with her Mayoral campaign??"
Ken Livingstone is 102.