A spokesperson for Her Majesty's Prison Service says the office can't handle the recent inundation of requests by unemployed females for jobs following the conviction of female warder Zanib Khan, 27, found guilty of juggling at least 5 unseemly relationships of 'hard men' in her charge.
According to the most recent statistics, one in four of the 2500 guards in The Service are women serving in the nation's 149 prisons in a system that is rampant with impropriety, bribery, buggery, smuggled cell phones, drugs, and even brutality. All this on a slow day….be still my heart!
The union for the staff, the Prison Officer's Association, (POA) has vigorously defended their membership in past affairs of criminal wrong doing, but recent Freedom of Information demands have revealed startling statistics.
At least 92 staff have been dismissed, 78 more convicted of criminal activity, and a further 167 have been removed from 'sensitive' ( mmmmmmm!!) positions where they may have interacted with the incarcerated prisoners.
Prior to 1980 prison rules segregated staff from their opposite gender, a ruling changed due to the Human Rights agenda and the EU decision that even prisoners were entitled to a 'sexual surrogate', the right to family life and their own personal "XXX" box. Depravity has its rewards, how terribly European.
The defense of Ms. Khan, according to her High Street barrister, was based on the sad fact that she was driven to her actions having been deprived of her loving family and partner, as both her father and 'boy friend' were imprisoned at the time she was accepted into the service in 2009.
The fact that she was employed to process new prisoners, including performing body cavity searches ( shop till you drop? ), a charge the Prison Service vehemently denies as a violation of their rules, 'may have led to her sex addiction ( this is a bad thing?) and inappropriate attempts to establish meaningful human contacts,' according to the defense plea before sentencing. Plainly a hormonal thing…any woman would understand that!
The POA, sticking up for one of their members said, " she may not have been allowed to perform the (cavity) searches but due to recent Coalition Cuts, she may have been pressed into service due to the prison being 'short handed.'
The diminutive Ms. Kahn is said to fit nicely into a pair of size 2 stiletto pumps, while carrying 'an arse to die for' according to one of her incarcerated admirers.
"If anyone's to blame here for this tragic occurrence, it's that heartless David Cameron," said the union spokesman who pleaded before the jury in her defense.
According to the charges Ms. Kahn smuggled in cell phones, engaged in over ten hours of 'inappropriate' texts ( by whose standards?) and conversations with 'at least' five of the men in her charge ( reverse voyeurism? Nasty boys to listen in….has someone overlooked the concept of "human rights" here? ) , most of which were of a sexual nature leading up to proclamations of 'undying love' and titillating fantasies of future erotic couplings once their sentences had expired and they were 'free to carry on." And the problem with this would be what? One would think that proponents of the vaunted "stiff upper lip" theory would have sympathy for "stiff" anything…..
Ms. Zahn was found guilty and sentenced to one year at Onley Prison and was immediately removed from the court to begin processing.
Said 22 year veteran guard Quintin McWordly in charge of processing Ms. Zahn, "they were right about one thing….she does have an arse to die for!"
No confirmation yet from the Prison Board on rumours ( rumors) all female guards will now be required to wear a burka, warm their hands before conducting body searches, and that salt peter rations for both inmates and staff have been ordered increased.
God willing! Well a girl can dream, can't she?