Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 13 June 2012

image for Occupy London riffraff to be booted off Hampstead Heath
A view of Hampstead Ponds whose drainage sluices may now be diverted to see off the squatters

London - Dozens of attention deficient hoi polloi campers' tents have pitched up on London's Hampstead Heath as assorted opportunist pre-Solstice tree huggaz vie for media recognition.

This morning demonstrators took over part of the Vale of Health immortalised in oils by John Constable and where Romantic Movement poets such as John Keats once penned glorious verses to his true love.

The ragbag of Great Unwashed idlers are claiming squatters rights close to a patch of ground still used as an illegal gypsy camp which neither the City of London nor the local authority has had the balls to evict 'since circa 1982'.

This morning Corporation of London officials who manage the area vowed to kick the illegal campers off the Heath's lush turves which are protected under local by-laws 'from this sort of daftness'

Initial moves include switching off local wi-fi signals which the barmy army of druggy scruffs has been using to attract more supporters to the site.

Next some little known sluices that drain off excess water from the Ladies and Mixed Ponds at the top of the Heath may now be diverted to flow back to their original Vale of Health rivulets.

This would flood out the squatters' encampment and turn the Vale fields back to their original pre-1980s boggy wetlands.

"If all else fails Friday's expected deluge should sort out these ridiculous eco nutz," a Heath groundsman commented this afternoon.

The last tropical monsoon to flood the area was back in 1975.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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