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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

image for Doomsday cult warns about Nigella's coq au vin
Rival satanic cults in local Barking turf war?

London - A shadowy Illuminati offshoot has red carded domestic goddess Nigella Lawson's new spring chicken recipe.

Barking Seventh Day Adventist Dentists' Allotment Society has banned her 'summer solstice spatchcock chicken nuggets in a red wine jus' after the dish made a sudden unpleasant appearance all over an East London orthodontist's plush new Barking surgery.

As a member of the shadowy dental organisation the practitioner had long suspected a rival - possibly Kabbalistic - affiliation by the TV cook whose latest offering with its classic overtones of a Merlot reduction had all the hallmarks of a dish best served cold.

His swivel chair patient has of course denied any satanic turf war connection and blamed lethal laughing gas before root canal stuff for the unfortunate ejection of the Nigella-inspired dish.

The dentist is having none of it, however.

Speaking to Barking Evening Argus reporters tonight Dr Crowley B Smyrna denied his group was a satanic outfit masquerading behind a grow-your-own facade of specialist veggie growers.

"Sure we have our own Green Goddess," Dr Smyrna explained, "makes that Nigella look like a cheerleader for topping your husband with cholestrol overkill, heheh."

Nevertheless an official complaint has been lodged with local environmental officials because of the cult's pentacle-shaped brassica beds and other devlish stuff have been frightening pensioners in nearby Rubbish Road.

Charles Saatchi is 69.

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