A private investigator who works for a very serious London broadsheet newspaper has tonight revealed that Joey Barton has become a hero by uncovering the headquarters of the Alien Brain Beetle project.
Alien Brain Beetles, as you probably already know, are believed to carry the virus behind the plague of capitalist greed that eventually turns normal people into Tory Zombies who eat poor people on street corners. The Beetles were first discovered in the dead brain of a man who had gone from being a charity worker with amnesty international to being the greediest banker in the world in the space of just a year. He eventually became a Tory Zombie, and he ate 7 big issue sellers in one weekend. So just like the Zombie in Miami, he had to be shot. And it was when they did the post mortem, that Scientists found the terrible beetles all wriggling around in his brain.
Ever since the discovery of a link between Brain Beetles and Tory Zombiedom, the Underground League of Socialist Superheroes, which includes Gordon Brown, Ed Milliband, George Galloway, Dennis Skinner and of course Joey Barton, have been fighting to find the source of the Brain Beetles. But up until last night they had been unsuccessful.
The source was found by Joey Barton, who is The League of Socialist Superheroes new golden boy because he deliberately caused a fight on a football pitch a month ago so he could get the time off work, away from football, to concentrate on being a Socialist superhero. He has worked tirelessly for them ever since and last night all his hard work paid off when he uncovered the Tory Zombies Beetle Egg Breeding Laboratory in the basement of a Champagne making factory in Islington.
Joey raided the factory by delivering superhero kicks all round, just like the ones he delivers on the pitch. But before he could destroy the factory, a Tory who looked a lot like George Osborne, grabbed the test tubes that contained the Alien Brain Beetle eggs and made a dash for the door.
When Joey called for back-up from Ed Milliband, who lives just round the corner, not a single alien brain beetle egg remained. Ed congratulated Joey because he had provided evidence of the way many a Socialist had theorised the Alien Brain Beetles had been distributed. Its in the Champagne that the Tories drink every day for Breakfast Lunch and Tea.
Joey was awarded the medal of "Exellent Work" by George Galloway, and told to carry on with his superhero exploits. The League of Socialist heroes all agreed though, that they had a big problem ahead of them. Joey Barton has only been banned from football for 6 months, but the Battle against the Alien Zombie Brain Beetles could take up to 3 years, at the very least.
So, they all agreed that they might have to devise a plot to get Joey Banned from football for three whole years. But how were they going to do it, though? They didn't know, but they all put their brains together and came up with an idea that could rock the whole of football forever. Find out what it is on Tuesday when I can reveal the whole amazing story.
By Katarina Frogpond.