Written by Erskin Quint
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Saturday, 9 June 2012

image for England Have 0.000765% Chance Of Winning Euro 2012 Says Dorking Academic
Influenced by Uprattler, Prondle & Lipschitz's Quasi-Dangling Arrays: Professor Trench-Litumus, yesterday.

The England football team's chances of winning the Euro 2012 tournament have been rated as 0.000756% by a leading Dorking Professor, writes Sport, Fishing, Linoleum, Commercial Grass Cultivation, Wheelbarrow Design, Spats, Mathematics & Entertainment Correspondent, Felicity Toadkettler.

This startling assessment is the result of a complex series of calculations performed by Professor Hubert Trench-Litmus, Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking. The Professor's work is being sponsored by Len Dingo's Pet Costumes, Mrs Hilda Braceworthy, Dorking & Mole Valley Abattoirs, Brian Candle's Taxidermy Supplies and Lord Flange of Betchworth.

Professor Trench Litmus, who is the Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking, told me yesterday that he has developed a new method of measuring and assessing everyday phenomena such as sporting performance and political behaviour.

'I have developed a methodology for the measurement and assessment of everyday phenomena such as sporting performance and political behaviour which is quite new', Professor Trench-Litmus, who is the Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking, told me yesterday.

The Professor, who is the Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking, went on to describe his new measuring methodology.

'I am the Visiting Professor here at Dorking because I have been visiting my elderly aunt, who lives in a converted badger sett near Westcott, and, being of an active disposition, and needing to keep my hand in, as it were, while whiling away the hours with my aunt, I offered to take up the chair of Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling which was recently vacated by Professor Jens Convolvulus, who had been visiting from Jutland, where he is based at the University of Jutland at.

'This was all a most happy convenience. Not only could I continue the work begun by Professor Convolvulus, but we could develop - and have developed, and are developing - a fruitful partnership in the study of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling. I have visited the University of Jutland on more than one occasion - in fact, on three occasions - and although I did not see Professor Convolvulus on any of those three occasions, as I was on holiday and it was 20 years ago, I have revisited much more recently and there I have seen and worked upon the Autoplastic Demijohn Receptacles which Professor Convolvulus and his team have devised and which we have used so successfully in our calculus.

'This work naturally augments the researches into Semi-Luminous Tetralactic Monads which I have been making at The University of Newport, Isle of Wight.'

I noticed that the shadows began to lengthen, and the sky to bruise. Pleasant as it was to be sitting outside a converted badger sett in the gloaming of a Dorking Spring, I was, as ever, conscious of time and deadlines. I pushed the Professor, who is the Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking, for some results. It was time to cut to the chase, basically, or there would be no story, and this girl reporter would be back on the WI News and Mole Valley FM Highlights of The Day.

'We have obtained our most accurate results by utilising a calibration schema based upon Uprattler, Prondle & Lipschitz's Quasi-Dangling Arrays, with some attention to Nindus & Wetmantle's 1975 paper on the Lateral Tranching technique first introduced by Gunnar Milt at Uppsala in the 1950s. Gunnar Milt made use of a 'swarm' of half demijohns and this has been the inspiration for Nindus & Wetmantle, and of course for the Autoplastic Demijohns of Professor Jens Convolvulus of Jutland, not to mention my own ideas in relation to Embedded Vein Quantifications, which have had their most practical application in the measurements of the apparently fluctuating height of the Longstone on Mottistone Down on the Isle of Wight, a monument often claimed to be growing or shrinking in a supernatural manner.

'We have been able to show that, while it would not be true to say that the Longstone is entirely free from height fluctuations, nevertheless those fluctuations which we were able to discern could be said to be statistically insignificant when viewed from the perspective of a Quasi-Dangling Array.

'This brings us quite naturally to the English football team', continued the Professor, who is the Visiting Egregious Professor of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling at the University of Dorking - which was a happy development, since this was one girl reporter who had begun to lose the will to live.

'To put it in layman's terminology', said the Professor, who is, well, if you don't know who he is by now you must have the attention span of a Harry Potter fan. 'To put it in layman's terminology', he explained, 'in order to calculate the probability of England winning the Euro 2012 competition, we filled the Autoplastic Demijohns with all of the English players and the players of all the other teams, such that these players were distributed and sorted in a series of Sublinear Curving Cascades which we powered by our own Quasi-Infinite Spasm Drive.

'The result of 0.000765% which we have produced is itself the product of post-Demijohn Smoothing, by which we ironed out the many fluctuations in the individual results.

'But we are happy to have produced such a result which is certain to have a powerful application in the world of sports.'

I asked the Professor if he was able to furnish me with any other examples of how all this technology might be applied in a way that could be said to be of some actual use to someone. And this is what he showed me, as the sun began to sink behind Bury Hill Fisheries, and the inky darkness began to lap at the converted badger sett like a malignant tide.

  • Eastern Nbomoland to win Euro 2012: 0.000000000000000001%
  • Andy Murray to win Wimbledon in a kilt: 65.5%
  • The David Cameron Judge of Character Index: 0.00000000000010010010010001%
  • The Jeremy Hunt Shield Rating: 99.9%
  • George Osborne Useless Fop Index: 500%
  • Harry Potter to stand the test of time: 0.000006%
  • The please make James Corden go away meter: 1000000%
  • James Corden to actually go away: 0.0000000%


And there I left the converted badger sett. A rarified place for a rare encounter with the rarified world of Hyperbolic Spasm Technology & Infinite Numinastic Modelling. All this talk of demijohns was giving one girl reporter a hell of a thirst and I still had to upload my masterpiece and get round to Spats Galore! on Westcott High Street to do an interview before I could get anywhere near an Italian red.

Talk about suffering for one's art!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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