London, Wednesday 10 May 2006 - (ReUterus & Associated Mess): In her first seminal speech since being promoted by PM Tony Blair to the post of Secretary of State for Homosexuality, Opus Dei flag-bearer Ruth Kelly has confirmed that the Bible's teachings on the Curse of Cain applies to all gays and lesbians who do not commit to a life of total abstinence and celibacy.
Citing the wicked sins of Onan who shed his seeds behind the potting sheds of Zion, Kelly vowed to introduce compulsory de-programming of all active homosexuals starting with a mass programme of immunization, electric shock therapy, MRI brain-scanning and compulsory attendance of Government-sponsored re-education sessions to "wipe the smile off their gonads and put the fear of god up their godless wicked backsides".
Any failure to comply with new legislation designed to brainwash out non-heterosexual behavior would result in individuals being tattooed on their foreheads with the Mark of the Beast in the form of the sigils '666' and '9/11'.
Further measures could include compulsory injections of sub-cutaneous micro-chips that activate police computer scanners, and which could be operated in the same way in which dogs and cats are electornically tagged.
Pregnant women would be offered compulsory embryo-scanning to "weed out the pansies" followed by hormone replacement therapy for all dodgy-looking newborns which might look like bordeline cases.
New mothers would be advised to add holy water to their breastmilk in the form of pessaries and suppositories. And manufacturers of Infant Formula would have to agree to add a mixture of ground-down saints' bones mixed with Vatican-approved particles of Remnants of the True Cross to their products.
"Of course homosexuality is a sin", said Kelly. "In the good old days of the Third Reich we would have rounded up all those little buggers and given them a right old seeing-to to to stop them in their tracks - and this is not an option that I am entirely ruling out for the future.
"But in the meantime we are introducing special NHS emergency measures to cull the ongoing pandemic that has resulted from the godless liberal baby-boomers of the 1960s who spawned this multitude of bad-assed faggots."
Kelly is due to deliver excerpts of her new policy to a Bush Administration tink tank in Washington DC later this month which is sponsoring her visit.