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Friday, 8 June 2012

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Feeble Minded Former Tory Leader Still Thinks She's P.M

Former Prime Minister Lady Thatcher has been admitted to a Surrey nursing home The Spoof can exclusively reveal. The 86 year old vintage Tory was chauffeur driven from her plush Pall Mall penthouse to The Michael Foot Home for Political Relics in Epsom yesterday "For a short break" a conservative party spokesman said.

The Iron Lady suffered a number of strokes in 2005, followed by a stay in hospital in 2008 after she swallowed some of her own venom during a cocktail party. In recent years she has withdrawn from public life, and is said to be suffering from Dementia. Sources close to Lady Thatcher now claim that the geriatric peer is so senile that she believes she is still the premier!

A spokesman for the private nursing home said today: "We can confirm that Baroness Thatcher has been admitted for a short stay, her overall health is perfectly stable, well she's upright and breathing at least, and she's currently in talks with the matron about privatising the television set in the communal lounge"

It is believed that staff at the home had planned to show residents a holiday video filmed by a nurse on a recent European cruise, until the demented former P.M overheard them enlisting the help of the home's handyman to help them wheel the TV trolley in through the back entrance. Lady Thatcher is said to have thwarted the plan, branding it "A dastardly plot to allow Europe in via the backdoor". Staff claim Thatcher shouted "No! No! No!" in a delusional yet defiant encore of her now famous Commons speech on the E.U in 1990.

A Tory party spokesman dismissed claims about Lady Thatcher's fragile mental state this afternoon saying: "The Prime Minister, Mr Cameron that is - not Lady Thatcher, has been informed of the situation, he wishes her well, and looks forward to consulting her again soon on all aspects of government policy. We're confident there's no cause for alarm, Lady Thatcher's mental health and intellect remain robust especially compared with most of our cabinet ministers and she remains one of the Coalition's main advisers".

Sources close to Baroness Thatcher, however, insist that the former female Fuhrer's faculties are failing fast. One Conservative crook and former jail bird, who didn't wish to be named for fear of reprisals told us: "She hasn't lost any of that indomitable fighting spirit, but her marbles are sadly lost forever". "I went to see her at the home earlier and she said to me "Jonathan, I am living in a home where too many of the old people have been given to understand "I am old and it is the Staff's job to care for me!" or "I have pissed myself, I will shout for a nurse to clean it up!" or "I am dying, the staff must alert a doctor!" and so they are casting their problems on the staff! And who are the Staff? There is no such thing! There are just individual doctors and nurses and they don't have an obligation to do anything except make lots of lovely money". "It is the old folks' duty to care for themselves".

Mr Aitken went on to explain that his former colleague was nevertheless "Full of admiration for the hard work and dedication of all the staff at Michael Foot House".

Insiders at the home paint a different picture, however, describing Thatcher as "A difficult and challenging patient" who bullies staff and residents. "She'd only been here for five minutes before a crate of milk went missing from the kitchens" explained one unpaid care assistant employed at the home under the Con Dem's Work Makes You Free scheme. "We can't prove that she stole it, but they didn't call her "Maggie Thatcher the Milk Snatcher for nothing did they?". "She can be very difficult to settle down at nights too, we have to turn her over in bed every few hours to prevent bed sores and it took us an hour this morning - she just kept shouting "You turn if you want to. The Lady's not for turning!".

"She can be very aggressive towards other residents too, there's a lovely old man called Mr Scargill in the next room to her and she's very hostile towards him - she even got the police in and had him arrested earlier on". "It says in her notes that she used to be a politician, but the way she behaves you'd think she used to be the bloody prime minister!"

Meanwhile Thatcher's family were quick to deny rumours that they had abandoned the beleaguered Baroness in a bedlam for old biddies because she is bats in the belfry. Speaking from her home in Monte Carlo, Thatcher's daughter Carol said: "Oh what rot! I see my mother all the time, and the last time I spoke to her by phone she was fine and very excited because she'd finally made it to number ten, first female P.M or something. Anyway, must go now, Godfrey has just cracked open some Pimms"

From his home in Rio, Thatcher's son Mark told The Spoof "She's perfectly well and in fine form, I spoke to her by phone before and she's had lots of visits from friends apparently, Willie Whitelaw has been to see her and Winston Churchill too so she says. There really is no call for concern".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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