Written by Paxton Quigley
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Wednesday, 6 June 2012

image for Transit of Venus and CERN "Caused National Hysteria"

An elite team of Oxford and Cambridge scientists has come to a surprising conclusion about why the nation was grabbed by hysteria over the past few days: a combination of the transit of Venus and operations at CERN released a large number of the so-called "God particle" into the atmosphere of the United Kingdom, in particular affecting London.

Hard pressed to explain why a normally intelligent populace would tug its national forelock to a dysfunctional family led by an 86 year old matriarch and her misanthropic spouse, psychoanalysts and neuroscientists were working flat out over the weekend when they were surprised to receive a telephone call from Monsieur Jacques Pastrounoir Head of Operations for the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.

Monsieur Pastrounoir had a confession to make. An unauthorised experiment with the LHC on Friday 1st June had resulted in the discovery of the elusive Higgs boson which had inadvertently been released into the atmosphere and prevailing winds had blown the "God particle" across France into the atmosphere over the United Kingdom. Some mild psychological disruption was detected in unprotected personnel at CERN, but nothing more severe than normally mild-mannered international staff muttering ancient expressions of loyalty, such as "Vive l'Empereur" (probably referring to Napoleon Bonaparte) or "Viva Garibaldi" (the unifier of Italy). The symptoms were short-lived as the Higgs boson is an unstable particle.

However in the United Kingdom, this phenomenon was exacerbated once the particles were in open air. The transit of Venus across the sun interfered with the solar winds in such a way to strengthen the Higgs boson and make it able to form temporary black holes in the brains of a vast number of people, affecting their behaviour for approximately 72 hours. This led them to regress to become Victorian and Edwardian sycophants and lickspittles, filling the streets, singing and crying out loud "God save the Queen" and "hip hip hooray". While the BBC and its presenters seemed to suffer badly, only republicans and Guardian readers seemed immune to the effects.

After researchers confirmed that most of the affected people are expected to make an almost full recovery on Wednesday 6th June, one member of the Oxford and Cambridge team, former TV rentaquote celebrity Dr. Raj Persaud spoke out: "Psychologically it seems that the Higgs boson managed to release long dead deep seated emotions of loyalty to the crown, but if you take this event at face value it seems that you can fool most of the people all of the time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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