It is a well known fact within Buckingham Palace circles that HR Prince Philip, 'Phil the Greek' or 'Bubbler' to his mates, is a lifelong randy bastard who has gone through more females than most of us have had hot dinners!
Since his disastrous wedding night back in November 1947, when he discovered Liz was a closet transexual and better hung than himself Phil was put right off his stroke. After a few months 'counselling' at local brothels he was soon up and ready for action, but not with his 'bride' who he was never to have sexual relations with, ever!
Throughout the years Phil has had his end away with an assortment of willing totty and even the occasional hairy Greek sailor, ranging from the well to do to lowly scullery maids, the latter generally considered his favourites as they are easily bought off and indeed brought off!
Meanwhile, for public and press alike the 'happy' Royal couple produced a brood of happy smiling cherubs over the years which had been purchased on the black market from a dodgy back street baby agency run by one of the Greeks old mates, Andreas Popalotinos. Little did Phil realise that Andreas was conning him left right and fucking centre. Instead of supplying 'top quality' unwanted babies at a significant high price he was actually passing on failed experiments which he got on the cheap from a certain nefarious Doctor Mengele, a 'naturalised Austrian' gentleman of dubvious WW2 background.
The first of these rejects was Charles who was, by any stretch of the imagination, an ugly snot nosed little bastard with Dumbo ears and a habit of dribbling. Despite his Royal upbringing Charles never amounted to much and ended up married to a blond floozie-who, courtesy of Dad-was got rid of one night in a Paris tunnel whilst giving good head to an Egyptian chappie.
Charles later went on to marry a horse and has, to date, been content to talk to plants, frequent charity shops for old ladies soiled underwear and ride the 'nag' around the bedroom bollock naked on wet days with a riding crop between his teeth.
Next up was Anne, the original ugly daughter, a sort of hybrid female horse with a mouth spouting a vocabularly that would make a sailor blush. Indeed, her real father had been an alcoholic stoker on the ill-fated Titanic, a right fucking disaster if ever there was one!
The third reject was Andrew, a cherubic little prick from the outset with the brain span of a gnat and pretty useless at anything save shagging anything in or out of a skirt and travelling the globe endlessly at taxpayers expense after being told to 'get fucking lost' years ago! This clown was last seen out on the piss with Gary Glitter and a few other notable undesirables dressed in a sailor suit with his flies wide open on a beach in Phuket reading a Mothercare brochure.
With the last brat Andreas excelled, supplying Liz and Phil with a limp wristed would-be-actor/director/producer and back door shit kicker by the name of Edward, who was hastily married off to some little tom to cover up any potential gay scandal.
However, when it comes to scandals nobody comes near to beating Phil the Greek himself! Not since 1888 and the infamous, hushed up 'Jack the Ripper' number (when Prince Albert Victor Christian Edward...'Eddy' to his mates...'fucking knife wielding fruitloop' to the coppers...was hastily exonerated as a suspect by the powers at be when the 'establishment' had to roll out the big cover-up corp) has the Royal PR machine had to go into overdrive like it did over the Royal Jubilee weekend.
Due to a leaked email between one of the usual Buckingham Palace whistleblowers and a reporter from the Catholic Herald , the establishment have been rocked to their very foundation.
Seemingly, during the recent Royal Jubilee Barge Trip down the Thames the Greek had slipped away for some hot anal action with Pippa Middleton in the coveted 'Royal bog'. Just as he was getting up a 'head of steam' so to speak he and Pippa were interrupted by HM herself, Liz, who was apparently desperate for a dump. According to our source Liz went totally fucking ballistic and swiped Phil in the nuts with her handbag, the clasp of which almost severing his throbbing todger as he climaxed!
Hastily whipping up her Agent Provocateur panties Pippa made her apologies and fled for her life jumping ship somewhere between Battersea Bridge and Westminster Pier without a lifebelt.
Meanwhile Liz continued knocking seven bells of shit out of Phil until being hastily restrained by two undercover PCO's who told HM to 'piss off' back upstairs and keep waving to the prolitariat from afar while they carried on eating their Greggs pasties.
Reacting to a potential scandal of mega proportions assorted security hierarchy hastily propt Phil upright, by way of a broom handle up the anus, and he was able to continue waving to the mob lining the river banks...albeit weakly...until he could be speedily whisked away to hospital the minute the barge docked.
At time of going to press the story of a 'bladder infection' appears to have halted any potential media scandal, the news currently dominated by the 'mysterious' death of a reporter from the Catholic Herald found naked in the grounds of St Joseph's Convent, Clapham, SW8.
Meanwhile, a team of highly trained surgeons have managed to sucessfully sew the Greeks penis back on while a another team of highly qualified and dedicated young Polish nurses work around the clock massaging cream into his todger by hand to make sure it is still working.
HM Liz has meanwhile been reprimanded by the Archbishop of Canterbury and is due to start attending anger management sessions prior to the Greeks return to Buck House.
having swept the Thames for any sign of Pippa Middleton or her expensive panties the River Police have so far found nothing except, 1,343,800 used condoms, one million + made-in-China Union Jacks, 1,234,899 decorated paper plates, a half eaten Marks & spencer Prawn sandwich and an ugly bloated corpse thought to be either Paul McCartney or Elton John, although Police have not yet ruled out either Tom Jones or Gary Barlow until after the autopsy.
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley always buys her panties from The British Heart Foundation as she likes that 'worn in' feel around her nether region.