Written by Mark MacDonald
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Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Pop star Elton John was taking into custody by Police Officers last night after a fracas that marred the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Celebrations.

The star of hits like Rocket Man and I'm Still Standing was said to have reacted angrily to Chinese Pianist Lang Lang using another Piano, and not the Yamaha that Elton had assigned him.

Mr Gary Barlow, the event organiser, confirmed that Sir Elton John is helping the police with their enquiries.

"Well bang goes my Knighthood now. Prince Phillip not coming and now this. After all the work I put in to running this event. I'm absoulutely devastated. Simon Cowell's going to get it before me now, or Beckham for that matter. I can live with that. As long as Robbie doesn't get it before I do, I'll be happy, I suppose."

Elton John appeared outside court after a delay because of another high profile assault involving footballer Joey Barton. The Crown V Barton was moved back a day, to accommodate Sir Elton.

"I am the star performer here. Who does he think he is? Coming over from China and using a Steinway and Sons Grand Piano. Everyone knows that a Yamaha is the best. He had to be taught a lesson. I know they have a culture that is more sophisticated than ours, but that's irrelevant. He should respect Senior Musicians like myself. That's all I ask for."

A Police spokesman, on the way out from the main office of a well known Newspaper and carrying a brown envelope, stated "I am not involved in any way, shape or form with hacking anybodies phone, oh excuse me, I beg your pardon. Elton John fracas. Oh that, handbags that was. Lang Lang said he won't press charges if Sir Elton gets him seats for Watfords next Champions League Match. Elton reluctantly agreed. Case closed, now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Leveson Inquiry"

Her Majesty the Queen confirmed that she would offer a pardon if it went any further.

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