Scotland is to be ejected from the UK. In a totally unforeseen step, David Cameron has decided that Britain might do all right without Scotland after all.
"The Scots have routinely expressed contempt for the rest of the UK, especially the English and we've had just about enough." Said Cameron. "It's not like they contribute anything; they're fat, unhealthy, largely unemployed and often criminal. They're an expensive and unpleasant part of Britain that we'd all be better off without. They can keep their stupid oil anyway."
Alex Salmond looked shocked when he heard the news. This may have been caused by the realisation that his popularity was about to disappear along with his reason for being in politics. A senior spokesman for the Scottish Parliament said "We're a bit fucked really. Freeloading generous policies with English tax was the only reason people liked us. This is just like those double-crossing English bastards."