Controversy returned quite literally to the heads of the UK government last night. Several members of the Cabinet are reported to have fallen victim to a mystery condition known as cropped head syndrome. Leading Paparazzi photographer, Leonard "Long Lens" Lambard confirmed last night that he suspected that at least seven members of the cabinet have the condition.
After a serious investigation lasting several hours, investigative journalist Aunty Doris has confirmed that the seven ministers include none other than the Prime Minister, his deputy and the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Other Ministers who are thought to be suffering are the Secretaries of State for Home Affairs, the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, Health and Trade.
Cropped Head Syndrome (CrHeadS - Pronounced Shreds) occurs in predominantly famous or infamous people. Several domestic cases have occurred in recent years, a fact confirmed by several leading high street pharmacists. Little is known about the causes of the condition except that it is suspected that the ratio between head circumference and the size of a standard 35mm print, has simply become too great for modern photographic equipment.
The Late Lord Lichfield (LLL) often talked about the condition. "Once, when I was taking a portrait of the Queen, it emerged that she had a mild onset of shreds. It is treatable, in her case the remedy was easier than most, you know, smaller Crown, shorter throne and so on."
Unfortunately, the only member of the Cabinet likely to benefit from the remedy outlined by the LLL, is Prime Minister Tony Blair, who, it has been rumoured, has taken to wandering the corridors of No.10 wearing the Imperial State Crown crying "Republic, Republic" to anyone who will listen.
Changes in technology have done nothing to alleviate the ongoing situation. A leading electrical retailer commented, "With the introduction of the digital camera, many of us hoped that this particular complaint would have naturally died out. However, no one suspected that hordes of unscrupulous paparazzi would ensure its survival through irresponsible cropping. These are the b******* we need to deal with".
No ministers were available for comment, thus fuelling speculation that a crisis is looming at the head of Government. There are no reports so far, that any members of the shadow cabinet have been affected. Policy Spokesman Oliver Letwin announced, "We did fear that David (Cameron) had a slight case earlier in the year. However, it turned out to be just a stray lock of hair. We recommended an increase in the Brylcream Application and we have had no further reports."