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Tuesday, 5 June 2012

image for Syria Marks Queen's Diamond Jubilee
Tanks like this are reserved for special occasions in Syria (e.g. UN peace plans)

Syrian president Opposition-Basher al-Assad kicked off a huge round of Jubilee celebrations in his country this weekend. He explained:

"Like all great dictators I was educated in London, so Britain has a special place in my heart. As an unelected head of state who's been in power for many years I also feel a special bond with the Queen."

There will be a bumper programme of celebrations including:

Saturday 2PM-6PM: A huge arms boat pageant will parade from Russia all the way down the Med, culminating in a ceremonial unloading, in which Mr Assad will personally take part.

Sunday 6PM-11PM: There will be a massive Jubilee concert at the UN, organised by rock legend Ban Ki Moon. At the gig 95% of world leaders will be singing from the same song sheet. Mr Assad is expected to perform 'I Will Survivie' by videolink, with Vladimir Putin on backing.

Sunday 12PM-5PM: Celebrations close with an enormous procession through Homs, including 4,000 tanks and 40,000 troops. The content will include live ammunition, fire(works) and a number of 500 gun salutes.

It had been hoped that Coffee Annan would be by Mr Assad's side for the celebrations - he had been due to co-host a special Jubilee ceasefire. Sadly Mr Annan is currently too ill to attend, but he did send this message:

"I'm sorry I can't be part of this wonderful weekend but sadly I picked up a bladder infection, which came on when realised that Assad was taking the piss."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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