Written by Paxton Quigley
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Tuesday, 5 June 2012

image for Alastair Campbell in Shock Return to Downing Street
Alastair campbell's best mate in happier times

Prime Minister David Cameron emerged blinking from his Downing Street bunker today accompanied by a scowling chancellor George Osborne and a smirking Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair's former press secretary. He announced that Mr. Campbell would be resuming forthwith the role he had so ably filled in the New Labour government.

The Prime Minister welcomed Mr. Campbell back to Whitehall saying that he was willing to recognise the misunderstandings caused by his employment of former News of the World editor, Andy Coulson, and that in Mr. Campbell he has now on board a safe pair of hands, someone who has seen it all before, a person of integrity.

After Mr. Cameron's statement, Mr. Campbell said a few words to the assembled press corps.

"It was after appearing on Have I Got News For You last Friday night that I realised how much I had missed the political cut and thrust. To have Ian Hislop laying into you in public while you have to pretend to laugh takes extreme diplomatic skill and I have that in spades. Of course I gave the obnoxious little f*cker a good slap afterwards."

He then continued, his finger wagging.

"Now just you listen carefully, especially you effing hacks from the Guardian. Coulson was a pussycat compared to me and a frigging Tory through and through. But I'm not like that, I'm here to do a job and that job is to get these bloody incompetent posh boys off the hook and they are paying me well to do it. From now on if you print any crap without my OK then I'll be down on you like a ton of shit and don't you forget it.

"It's good to be back and I'm looking forward to working with you all again. Press conference over. Now bugger off, the lot of you."

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