Politicians of all persuasions united today to condemn the wave of tabloid hysteria sweeping the country which had forced the organisers of "Gay for a Day" to abandon the event and seek police protection in a safehouse somewhere in Brighton.
It was revealed this week that plans were quietly being made for the national festival which was intended to introduce the populace to a different lifestyle for a day without being subject to ridicule and stigma. Plans for funding were well advanced with grants having been promised from the Ministry of Culture, Media and Sport, the British National Party LGBT Section, the Government of Iran and the Robert Mugabe Foundation for Cultural Understanding. Celebrity supporters of the festival included Sir Elton John, Lady Gaga, Gloria Gaynor, Sir Cliff Richard, Julio Iglesias, Silvio Berlusconi, the England rugby team, the Village People and Sir Tom Jones. Royal patronage had been agreed in the form of HRH Prince Edward who had agreed to organise an event of his own invention: "It's a Royal Cock Out".
At prime minister's question time David Cameron said to a hushed house that he and the chancellor George Osborne were greatly disappointed that the event would no longer take place as it had brought back to both them and many of their backbenchers fond memories of their own schooldays.
A spokesperson for the British Retailers' Association said that his members would suffer from the cancellation and demanded government assistance: "Many of our retailers have bought large amounts of stock especially for Gay for a Day. In our current economic situation what can they do with half a million pairs of leather chaps, a million size 14 boiler suits, 250,000 strap-ons and 100,000 gimp masks?"