Windsor - Prince Philip has been hospitalised with a bladder infection after using some dodgy facilities on yesterday's boat trip.
Apparently he was heard complaining loudly about 'having to share the blasted bog' with the Middleton family and the Gloriana crew after a blockage closed down the on-board Imperial Throne Room.
A spokesperson for the King Edward VII Hospital for Daft Old Fascists said tonight they'd put a cannula up the Duke's willy and drained off a few pints of surplus fluids.
Next a massive great big hypodermic of antibiotics was stuck in his bum along with a dose of largactil.
The medication is designed to stop him babbling about the 'damnfool bloody Jubilee malarkey' and spilling state secrets 'about the Camerons'.
Hospital porter Jerome Parsnip said tonight that he'd heard Prince Philip ranting and raving about being spared a fate worse than death ahead of tomorrow's Diamond Jubilee Service of Thanksgiving at St Pauls, where smug PM Cameron is due to read the lesson.
"Daft bugger doesn't know what he's talking about!" Philip raged as nurses hurriedly increased the anti-psychotic meds.
The service starts at 10.30am tomorrow and will see the Queen sit on her own in the vast cathedral's knave [sic].
Dr Rowan Williams is 104.