Ex Blackadder star turned Cabinet Minister, Alistair Darling, yesterday refuted claims that Tony Blair has demoted him in the recent reshuffle. Speaking to members of his family yesterday he said, "I absolutely refute claims that Tony Blair has demoted me in the recent reshuffle!" This tacit denial from the new Trade and Industry Secretary came in response to a challenge from Aunty Doris (Darlings mothers sister) who was visiting the family home for Sunday lunch.
In a shock development, it has emerged in the News of the World that Darling (87), had only accepted Trade and Industry post after he had already turned down the position of Home Secretary. Speaking last night, sources close to the editor claimed, we sent Mazher Mahmood (the Feikh Shake) into the home office and entrapped the sacked Home Secretary Charles Clark. He told Mahmood, "I absolutely refute claims that Tony Blair has demoted me in the recent reshuffle! Furthermore I will lend my complete support to my darling (clearly a reference to AD) Tony, although I don't agree with him. He has the absolute right to disagree with me and move me to the backbenches where I will carry on supporting him fully. I absolutely will not be speaking with Gordon Brown to discuss which posts I may hold in a Government led by him. Please do not press me any further as I will not be making a statement today!!!"
Number 10 spokeswoman, Carol Thatcher, said, "It was absolute rubbish to suggest that Darling had been considered for the Home Office. At 87 he is far too old for this the most demanding of Government Portfolios. It is true though that the Prime Minister offered one of Darlings eyebrows the post of Foreign Secretary. This is far more realistic as his eyebrows are only 43 years old, a far more acceptable age for ministers." Darlings left eyebrow was unavailable for comment yesterday but the right eyebrow had this to say, "As the official spokes person for Alistair Darling's left eyebrow, I absolutely refute claims that Tony Blair has demoted it in the recent reshuffle! - Furthermore rumours that the new trade and industry secretary uses black eyebrow pencils, are entirely without substance." At the age of 65, in celebration of his retirement, Darling underwent eyebrow reversal therapy. Since then the eyebrows have been decreasing in age steadily whilst the octogenarian minister has been aging rapidly, taking only 22 years to reach his present age..
Recent claims that Darlings left eyebrow had been somehow involved in a ménage-a-trois with the Deputy Prime Minister and his Diary Secretary have now been proven to be false after pictures of it with Cherie Blair's Hairdo appeared on the front cover of "Hello, Hello, Hello" magazine (The journal of the Association of Chief Police Officers)