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Monday, 4 June 2012

image for Diamond Jubilee River Pageant Judged "An Absolute Crock" By Subjects
A boat that wasn't in the pageant, pictured here recently.

Yesterday's Diamond Jubilee River Pageant has today been blasted by entertainment watchdogs as being either the worst, or else the second worst televised Royal event ever.

Neville Grant, a spokesman for the British Television Media Authority said, "Well it was either the pageant or the, It's a Royal Knockout, from way back in '82."

The five hour marathon of what was nothing more than a load of boats meandering down a damp, dreary and rain-soaked river started at 2.00pm and was still exerting its will-to-live-sapping influence well after 7.00pm in the evening.

And now in the wake (sic) of its passing this privileged pratting about in boats, much-vaunted by big knobs and toffs all across the country, has finally been exposed for exactly what it was. Nothing more than interminable hours of total and utter banal shite. But not just any old shite. This was shite of the first order!

However Sir Branston Manston, Master of the Queen's Sugar Cubes and Drawing Pins; probably imagining that he was looking resplendent in his 900 year-old robes of office, was accepting none of the hostility that the man in the street was clearly feeling today. He told the press, "Oh it was simply splendid. And the sun shone on all of our endeavours as if to make it the perfect afternoon. The Glorious Leader, may the gods bless her and keep her, was delighted by how it has all gone. I shouldn't be at all surprised if it becomes an annual event; such was its magnificence and dazzling brilliance."

Dave Stoat, a forty-two year-old panel beater who had travelled from Newcastle, and who was on The Embankment from 4.00am to ensure he had a grandstand seat, a full ten hours before events started no less, saw it somewhat differently. A drenched-to-the-skin Mr Stoat commented, "Hadaway and shite man! Like that was the biggest leurda aul bollix Ah've ever witnessed in aall me puff, man woman man woman pet! Fookin dire man!"

Meanwhile the BBC was at the centre of a storm today, standing accused of its presenters being implicated as having obviously "taken bungs" to talk up the whole miserable event.

Independent monitoring of the corporation's marathon broadcast has revealed that on as many as 17,986 separate occasions the phrases, "This is amazing! What a fantastic time everyone's having! Her Majesty there, looking quite beautiful in..." were used by almost every presenter, in almost every sentence they uttered. The One Show's Matt Baker identified as the worst offender with at least 9,320 of the comments attributed to him alone! This suspiciously effusive commentary has now called into question, The BBC's ability to broadcast the opening ceremony of The Olympics later in the year.

He was unavailable for comment today, but sources close to veteran anchorman, Des Lynam, are saying that he may be poised to make the comeback of comebacks, if rivals ITV are now awarded the games following yesterdays disastrous showing by Auntie.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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