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Sunday, 3 June 2012

image for The Queen of Britain in Leaked Sex Tapestry -Jubilee Plans Unravel as Bestiality Allegations Lead to Worldwide Revulsion

On the verge of the world celebrating the longest serving monarch, a shocking piece of tapestry made in 1958 has been found by a royal collector, that has called into question the early years of the monarch and her close relationships with some of the animals in the royal household.

Religious leaders across the world have vented their fury at their morally bankrupt monarchy and her subjects, encouraging a boycott of tainted British goods.

The moth eaten tapestry that has been broadcast around the world, starts off innocently showing a a newly crowned Elizabeth walking her dogs in the grounds of Windsor Castle the famous corgis that have become synonymous with the queen, as well as other symbols of her early reign, however later panels in tapestry show the Queen disrobing and the offending final scenes that have repulsed the world.

The final graphic scenes in the tapestry, that have caused the real damage, show the Queen lying on her royal bed with her legs spread, whilst courtiers hold the corgis to take turns licking out her royal garden.

Arts historians at the British Museum, and the Victoria & Albert Museum, have confirmed the authenticity of the materials as well as the craft and techniques used; the tradition of royal tapestries was started by the French Normans who invade England in 1066 and has been carried on by every royal household since, long after it fell out of favour in the public sphere after the middle ages.

A fake this is not, as such attention to details would have taken months to make and these skills have long been lost except in the royal circles.

The qualities of the designs in each tapestry, meant that the artist who remained anonymous was highly skilled and would have to have attended several sittings. However others have said that as the Queen became more religious as head of the Church of England, she ordered for the tapestry to be destroyed and others inferring the artist was removed from the country or worse bumped off.

The government and the palace were both unable to convince the world that this as a one off period art piece, and an in-joke among royal circles. Courtiers have since the news broke come forward to admit that until the fear of rabies in the 60s and the growth of the animal welfare movement, the queen regularly retired to bed with a whole harem of dogs during the much more deferential era of the 50s when no one questioned what the Queen wanted.

The sight of a naked queen, even in stitched form, is in itself unsettling in 2012 which whilst used to seeing celebrities naked, never imagined the The Queen, a monarch held up as bland and safe pair of hands. This is something that every royal writer and biographer or media is questioning ; how they failed to uncover her sexual peccadilloes or were they themselves paid off by secret agents not to delve too deep.

Brand Britain has taken a knock already. Prayer groups across the bible belt in America have asked for Britain to be flooded, to wash away all the sins, but not before Wimbledon and the Olympics because it is sponsored by the god's favourite fast food chain, McDonalds.

The Vatican meanwhile has ordered their archbishop along with all practising Catholics to leave the country, for fear the nation was sinking under a stench of immoral behaviour heralding the arrival of Sodom and Gomorrah. In the Middle East, British tea was being thrown on the streets whilst in a rare sign of unity Jewish and Moslem leaders prayed together that Britain would be punished by god.

Even the normally rebellious John Lydon from the Sex Pistols, has decided to become wondering asetic monk, so disgusted is he that a Queen he parodied in 'God Save the Queen' was in fact more debauched than the punk movement of the 70s.

What possessed the Queen to do such a thing? Fingers are pointing to her husband Prince Phillip who has long been suspected of having dark side and is seen to have persuaded a young, impressionable but perhaps naive queen to indulge his sexual fantasies.

The British Government was trying to salvage plans realising the faltering economy would not be able to handle the financial losses and lost business as the four day Jubilee plans lied in tatters. Many foreign dignitaries and heads of state have withdrew their attendance at the Jubilee celebrations, as further revelations of additional tapestries depicting other scenes are rumoured to be in existence.

Canny producers in Hollywood have already asked Helen Mirren to make an updated version of The Queen and a variety of top dog talent trainers are being asked to nominated dogs for the casting tests.

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