London, Friday 5 May 2006 - (Associated Mess): A mechanical pachyderm monster has appeared on the streets of central London today, sparking apocalyptical fear among has-been Tory grandees that the last and most dreaded of the Nostradamus quatrains is about to seal their fate at the gibbet of the Tower of London.
According to Quatrain 666, verse 9/11: a "giant beast will walk the streets of Albion's citadel, presaging shmuck and [Operation] Ore".
And LO! So it came to pass on the day that Thatcher's greatest Trojan Horse stable-jockey, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair QC, suffered the indignity of humiliation at the English hustings, the House of Mountbaten's beast of burden was revealed as the ultimate Tory street-walker ever to bank the Third Reich's thirty pieces of silver.....
Since the begining of the year the omens had not been good.
First, a giant whale committed suicide in January in the Thames outside the Houses of Parliament, sparking a near-panic in Whitehall that Department of Vultures, Mediocrity and Spots Secretary Tessa Jowl would lose her marbles in public after her husband was busted by UK cops for his role in the 'God's Dodgy Banker' murder fiasco.
Next, the spooky Aries solar eclipse revealed that an infestation of lice had, according to the Prophcey, "plagued the roots of the Great Whore of Babylon" - and resulted in a whopping 7/7 decontamination bill for Cherry Bush QC and her team of trichological damage limitation experts, following the numerologically-sensitive 5/5/5/ UK General Election.
Then the fates struck one of their cruellest blows, revealing that the Poodle Administration's Home Secretary Charles Clarke had released many foreign prisoners from jail, including 9/11 super-hero Barabas, on evidence of "good behavior", then proceeded to fail to deport him back to his birth-place of Havana, Cuba.
Today, the UK Ancient Order of Bards, Seers and Interpreters of the Splayed Entrails has gone into secret conclave at Tory Party HQ in Central London, desperately wondering just how long the Metropolitan Police Service has been bugging and tailing their latest Thatcher glory-boy David Cameron.
Their own private surveillance operatives have indicated categorically that Cameron, 39, will be the last dimwit ever to take up the Baroness's mantle, before the Party is bankrupted into oblivion by the forces of supreme justice, also known as MI5.
"All it took was a close following of the trail of effluvia from the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain", said a spokesman. "I don't know how anybody could have been so bloody stupid ever to try this one on...."