Buckingham Palace staff ran for cover Friday night when the Duke of Edinburgh flew into a rage, when Her Majesty suggested that he ought to retire to his bed at ten pm, as the Royal Family were facing quite a hectic weekend, and that he ought to get some rest in ahead of the series of planned events.
"He went mental!" a Palace insider gasped. "He stood up, kicked a corgi up the arse, lobbed his Horlicks mug at the telly, overturned a table, and screeched that he's 'sick and bloody buggering tired' of people trying to tell him what to do all the time. He told the Queen that he wasn't going anywhere until he'd watched Graham Norton and White Van Man on the telly - and that was final."
The Duke of Edinburgh is reasonably well known for being grumpy, impatient, intolerant, and even on occasion, downright rude, but his supporters insist that his racist gaffes are still toe-curlingly hilarious, and the old git should be left alone to do as he pleases.
"He can't be arsed with all this Diamond Jubilee guff, to be honest," said Hector Broadbent, spokesman for the 'Prince Philip Fan Club.' "He'd rather be out with the horse and cart or up Scotland on the moors shooting stuff with his shotgun than fannying about on the Thames in a tarted up coal barge, watching yet another bloody fly-past, while some young twonks pluck guitars and caterwaul into microphones for half the bloody night on The Mall. And to be fair - I can't say that I blame him."
"I don't blame him either," chuckled Dorking pensioner, Mrs Myrtle Birtles, 74. "In fact, I quite like the old rascal. He tried to ply me with champagne and get into my knickers at the Henley Regatta in 1962. I would have let him too, but the Queen was having none of it. Eeh, he's a bit of a lad is HRH! And you should have seen the old ram in action back in 62! Rampant he was! Rampant! Like a young lion with a big stonking...well...you know..."
Ah. But do we?
More as we get it.