London - A karmic tempest is on the cards as the nation's soothsaying industries unite in their Diamond Jubilee predictions.
Their warnings for Sunday describe a horrible foreskin - er...foretaste! - of Hurricane Beryl, a topical [sic] storm currently menacing much of the US East Coast.
At lunchtime the TV weather report said an incoming anticyclone is so dire that whoever in the Tory coalition government dreamed up the daft Jubilee Thames Pageant 'should be shot'.
The comments were picked up by veteran Beeb weather forecaster Michael 'Hurricane-What-Hurricane' Fish's tarot reader who blamed the zodiac position of the Summer Wreck-tangle for the expected washout.
The asterism is notorious at this time of year for screwing up social climber aspirations of organised crime families and other royal wannabes.
Its baleful effect on neighboring galaxies means even piddly little constellations 'like the Big Dipper' can turn nasty at times of government-enforced extended bank holidays.
At Hellfire Club HQ in London this weekend the 'genius' behind the Thames Pageant was hiding somewhere inside the Oswald Mosley Mammorial Crypt as organisers warned the public to stay well away from river.
"Looks like I've made a right tit of myself," Lord Salisbury sobbed amid reports that 'someone' had forgotten to insure the entire freak show against bad weather and Acts of God.
Charles and Camilla are completely stuffed.