Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 31 May 2012

image for Gaping crevice appears in Royal Mausoleum car park toilet block
Carnal knowledge of the Kaiser

Windsor - It's been earwigged - er...earmarked! - for decades as the final resting place of Queen Elizabeth Windsor.

This morning plans to demolish Frogmore's visitors toilet block took an unexpected turn as a huge fissure appeared, cracking open the main soil pipe and antediluvian plumbing labyrinth.

Thousands of gallons of water later saw the escaping torrent sweep past Queen Victoria's Tea House - a prick [sic] pavilion built in 1869 for the internment of deceased royal ferrets.

And various distaff side relations who'd had carnal knowledge of the Kaiser.

"OMG, is this an omen?" Mausoleum curator Sir Pecksniff Barbiturate tweeted at lunchtime.

"There'll be hell to pay for if HM snuffs it ahead of the blasted Diamond Jubilee weekend."

His words of warning were picked up at Buckingham Palace - which is said to be awash with rumors that Old Fatty Mountbatten's about to pop her clogs.

A custom built cryogenic stasis freezer chest remains on standby, its spacious interior designed to also take a dozen corgis and Prince Philip should the old codger kick up a right royal RIP fuss.

"Her Majesty's definitely not going to snuff if before the weekend, you arseholes," the Palace's Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon snarled.

"Unless of course someone pushes her under one of Boris Johnson's hop-on/hop-it buses."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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