Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

image for Control pants to replace electronic ankle tag says Theresa May
This pair's being trialed on London rioters

London - Sex and other offenders on parole are to be given the option of a new kind of non-surreptitious surveillance tool the Home Secretary announced today.

Electronic control pants that combine spandex-reinforced micro-circuit gadgetry with the latest in the 4G network are to begin trials in London at the weekend.

Specially adapted phone masts have been calibrated to pick up signals on a bandwidth said to include 'the over 50-inch waist brigade'.

And one of the first pairs to be road tested could be on Abu Hamza's bum if his current bail application appeal is successful.

"Of course that horrid looking metal hook will have to go," Home Orifice spokesperson Darcy Cackles said today.

"Besides, it's bound to interfere with the surveillance signal not to mention laddering the pants gusset each time Hookie takes a slash."

Clothing designer Stella McCartney has produced a large range of fashionable examples in pastel shades that are bound to prove popular with today's on-bail recidivists.

The garments have the dual knack of holding in drooping lardarse while at the same time acting as a monitor for the wearer's whereabouts.

At twenty quid a go they're a right bargain.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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