Tory Party Leader Prof. David 'Brylcreem' Cameron is set to become the new 'Dr. Who', the time-travelling BBC Atom-Boffin, it was revealed tomorrow. In a surprise announcement from Conservative Party Central Office, a spokesperson from the Section That Deals With Suave Photos confirmed that "David has indeed applied for the Dr. Who job. He feels he will be able to bring a certain Jernesy Quoi to the position, what with his hair and that. As you are aware, his background is in Applied Linguistic Tribology - here's a dictionary, you idiot - and this, he feels, will enable him to both entertain the feeble-minded and 'get our message across' at the same time. It worked for Hitler". Asked if this was not of the same order of puerility as 'playing with a toy banjo while Rome burns', the spokesperson refused to comment, and stamped on our reporter's feet.
Mr. Cameron, a former Emeritus Professor of Viscous Lubricants at Urbane College, Oxford, is no newcomer to the acting profession. He comes from a long line of thespians - his Uncle Fuser once tread the boards at The Liberace Theatre, San Francisco - and said that he is 'mighty spiffed' at the prospect of donning the greasepaint and wig again: "I feel mighty spiffed. Being 'on the stage again' ranks high in my personal Spiffosity Quotient. I also feel a little more suave than usual, although not as suave as when I wore some silk pyjamas to the first night of Agatha Christie's 'Murder In The Rue Castanets', starring Le Viscomte d'Accordions, Monsieur Henri Germany. He was a hero of mine. Every time I saw his portrayal of the crippled hero 'Vegas' in Arthur Miller's 'Death Of A Toupee Salesman With Fleas', I wept. The scene in which he argues against the existence of a Deity, based on the premise that since the vacuum cleaner never works there cannot be a Universal System Of Justice, reduced me to honking some 'greeners' into my cravat. I had those stains preserved in resin. To this day they act as a poignant reminder to have a jolly good nose-hurricane before any speaking engagement".
Spokespersons automatically wheeled out for the other two main parties both said - in unison and reading from a script - "We don't agree. We never have done, in fact. It is also our policy never to comment on issues concerning Time-Travelling Eccentrics . What the public wants are clean streets, new hospitals and musical trousers, not 'fancy scientists'. They're only for people like Sweeney and Greebeck ".
Mr. Cameron is in Luton tomorrow, opening a lovely shop.