BELEAGURED Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today hit back over claims by a carpet cleaning company that he "stained, soiled and abused" his office rugs whilst conducting an illicit affair with a government employee.
Mr. Prescott insists stains caused by sexual antics with his diary secretary are "a gross exaggeration of the truth".
Alan Oakman of Carpet Vac, a company that cleans government offices, told The Spoof that Prescott was a very messy customer, "We provide products to protect and clean carpets making them look good longer. Our job at John Prescott's office was not easy due to the large amount of suspect stains"
"The most common problem with minister's carpets is staining. I told Mr. Prescott on several occasions following a spill; remove any semi-solid material with a rounded spoon, then wipe with water".
Janice Lever is all too familiar with the Deputy Prime Ministers spillage problem having worked as his live-in cleaner at Admiralty House, "His trousers posed me with a few tricky problems, but a quick wipe with Angel Wash Liquid usually got most of the mess off".
Last year House of Commons cleaners, many of whom are migrant workers refused to clean Prescott's office and took strike action.
Mr. Oakman faced similar problems in the office of then chancellor John Major during the 1980's, "Mr. Major was a messy man, infact I can say he and Edwina set us a real challenge on cleaning days. I remember one minister urinating outside the litterbox, but he is dead now".
In an extensive interview with the Mail on Sunday, Prescott's lover Tracey Temple claimed, among other things, that the couple had sex on an antique Victorian carpet in Mr. Prescott's Whitehall office, "Many of the rooms in his flat have new plush floral Victorian carpets, and most of them are stained"
This latest blow to the Blair government is sure to cause concern in Westminister, where Tory MP's are demanding that the cost of cleaning all rugs, carpets, underlays and shags in the DPM offices be covered by Prescott personally.
"At least we got a thank you from John Major when we cleaned up after him, Prescott did not even bother to text me a thank you note" said Oakman.