Clarence House, London; Friday 28 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): The House of Mountbatten has announced this morning that a public outrcy has confirmed that young Prince Harry has not milked the memory of the late Diana, Princess of Wales enough, necessitating drastic measures to be put into action straight away.
Luckily, Tessa Jowl's Department for Vultures, Mediocrity and Spots has stepped in straight away with a generous handout of £££££££££££s worth of public cash, previously earmarked as compensation to victims of governmental stupidity, incompetence and/or grosss ineptitude.
The cash will be used to erect another Memorial Fountain to the late Princess, this time in drought-stricken and war-torn Zimbabwe..............where its presence will provide much needed inspiration and succour to the millions of local residents who are dying of famine, disease, abuse and neglect.
Based loosely on the Gustafson-Porter Goss erection in London's Hype Park, the fountain will consist of a series of de-contamination plants and processing units that will connect to the Robert Mugabe Official Sewerage System at the Presidential Palace in Harare.
It will be powered by methane supplies that the Zimbabwean government has been collecting by force from its hapless population following the introduction of a compulsory personal emissions tax last year.
The project will be overseen by Prince Harry's girlfriend's father, Zimbabwe resident Charles Davy - just as soon as the pesky problem of a major criminal investigation into his alleged money laundering, fraud, and illegal currency dealing is resolved by the local security/intelligence agencies.
"What we are doing is creating memories!", said an aide of the Prince, before confirming that Harry had run out of spare cash which normally financed his travel jollies around the world in the name of diplomatic representation for the UK Government.
"Everybody who sees this latest Diana Memorial Fountian will remember it for the rest of their lives.
"Already we are looking into the possibility of having it listed as a potential World Heritage Site. And a number of new commerical sponsors....er.. actually just the Riggs Bank...are queuing up for the unique and historic opportunity of sponsoring it with their trademark logos and sackfulls of cash."
"Construction will begin just as soon as Mr Davy has been bailed out of Harare Central Police Station.
Meanwhile back at Clarence House, officials were unable to confirm or deny whether the Queen herself will inaugurate the proposed water feature or whether newly knighted Sir Robert Mugabe will be asked to do the honours.