Written by asphyxiation
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: George Osborne

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Chancellor George Osborne was pronounced poorly at his London home yesterday morning after suffering from a near fatal overdose of smugness.

The alarm was raised after Mr Osbornes' personal valet failed to wake the Chancellor for his early morning rub down. Spanish speaking Jose Pandora, called the emergency services after thirty five minutes of vigorous rubbing. Speaking through a Downing Street Interpreter, Mr Pandora described the scene as horrific. He added, "Despite my best efforts I could tell Mr Osborne was feeling unwell. He had already started to go stiff and was dribbling. It was then that I called for an ambulance".

In the first of a series of blunders, Emergency Services were initially unable to process the call after budgetary constraints forced them to scale down their International speaking staff to only one. He was on his tea break at the time and therefore unavailable.

When Paramedics finally arrived at 11 Downing Street, an eyewitness claimed that Mr Osborne was barely conscious, despite laying in a pool of smug for several hours. Praising Mr Osborne, the eyewitness said; I admire the man. To survive as long as he did. It clearly shows The Chancellors' capacity for smugness. That's why I hired him in the first place".

Despite the close proximity of Mr Osborne, emergency staff were initially unable to retrieve him due to the high level of smugness in the room.

Defending the decision to delay the retrieval of Mr Osborne, Head Of Difficult Cases, James Stumped said;"When our staff first arrived at the scene, it was ascertained that, due to Health And Safety Regulations, it would have been dangerous for personnel to enter the room due to the depth of smugness involved. Guidelines dictate that, should the level be above ankle depth, specially trained officers must be in attendance. The level involved was deemed to be a Code Red 6, the highest there is.

Sadly, this is not an isolated incident. We've found a marked rise in the frequency of Smug Induced Delirium(SIDs) recently. Especially, amongst Members Of Parliament and Reality Stars. When I first entered the service, some thirty years ago, it was mainly rock stars and the occasional minor Royal involved. The public needs to be made more aware of the dangers involved. It is quite possible to become aggitated in only a couple of inches of smug and the inhalation of only a tiny amount can be quite serious.

One of the ambulance drivers at the scene was heard to comment; "By the time we were able to retrieve the body, it was obvious Mr Osborne had taken a turn for the worse. Luckily for us, he was able to make a full recovery at the scene. The nearest Emergency Ward still in operation is over thirty miles away. What with the price of fuel at the moment this journey would have been far too expensive. The Mortuary is much closer and we always aim for there if we can. If you ask me this was an accident waiting to happen. You only have to look at recent pictures of Mr Osborne in the press to see his capacity for self importance. Still, i'm glad the nice man made a full recovery".

The Rise Of Celebrity SIDs will be shown on C4 After Celebrity Big Brother.

Make asphyxiation's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 5?

2 5 1 17

Go to top