London - Press-ganged by the Tories into wedlock last year Prince William has spoken about his eve-of-wedding nightmare.
The terrifying dream saw a Royal Protection Racket minder warn him the 'daft Italian gold-digger' wife would spend a fortune down the hairdressers each week.
"Luckily it's only UK taxpayers' money, old chap," the cop added, "thanks to Chancellor George Osborne's boundless large ass - er...largesse."
Within months William could expect to be browbeaten into skiing with the in-laws as a first wedding anniversary 'treat' for the wife.
However those Palace lessons in the art of diplomacy would see him keep his gob shut about Kate's wardrobe disasters.
Mostly some hideous Little-Miss-Muffet outfits picked out by Camilla from a weekend Red Top's clothing catalogue for demented plonkers.
And hand-me-downs from the Queen's own stash.
Next week William will bare his soul on national TV about what really happened on his wedding night.
The two-minute documentary, said to be utterly explicit, will be broadcast in 3-D to take advantage of future movie rights.