London - Nifty use of crafty shoulder pads conceals that 'Hunchback of Notre Dame' look that's plagued Queen Elizabeth ever since her wedding night back in '47.
Apparently some nuptial gymnastics on a Buckingham Palace four poster dislocated her anatomy which soon sprouted a hump.
Specialists at the Royal Freak Hospital's Dildo Wing did what they could but the asymmetrical protrudence - er...protuberance! - just wouldn't budge.
"Tailoring-wise it's no big deal," royal dressmaker Bunty Grossgrain commented on her website, "once you've dressed one Quasimodo you've dressed them all."
Industry techniques first honed by the legendary Elsa Schiaparelli insure enough cotton stuffing is inserted inside the lining of HM's gowns.
Now that the Queen's older and partially senile those pads have to be removed on a daily basis 'in case she forgets and bites one, like a sandwich'.
Monday night's visit to the Chelsea Flower Show saw Prince Philip retching inside HH's handbag where a handy spare pad saved the day, soaking up that half a bottle of gin in a trice.
Legendary dressmaker Yves Saint Laurent always kept a mongrammed version signed 'Love from Betty the Hobgoblin'.