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Sunday, 20 May 2012

image for Bruce Forsyth Thought to be a Soviet Spy
A hot-bed of revolution?

Papers released by the government today under the accidental off-side rule, reveal that during the height of the cold war, Britain's intelligence service -MI6, carried out a wide ranging investigation of the popular entertainer Bruce Forsyth.

Initially, the intelligence service believed that Mr Forsyth was communicating secret state information to the Soviet Union using the television show Sunday Night at the London Palladium as a medium.

During the live broadcast, one of MI6's officers realised that Bruce Forsyth's tap-dancing routine was spelling out the Navy's quarterly spending figures in Morse code. At that time recordings were not kept of television programmes, and so there was no way to verify the officer's suspicions. However Bruce Forsyth was placed onto a 'watch list' of suspected Soviet sympathisers.

It was ten years later that further suspicion fell on the entertainer, when code-breakers thought that further messages were being passed. This time via the show The Generation Game of which Mr Forsyth was the host.

The theory was that items appearing on the conveyor belt at the end of the show, when placed in a certain order, named members of the BBC who were likely to help the Soviets in time of war. The key to the code being the placement of the 'cuddly toy'.

This revelation widened the investigation to the whole of the BBC's light entertainment division, and resulted in the discovery that during an episode of Top of The Pops hosted by the DJ Dave Lee Travis, the resident dance group; Pan's People, were seen to be transmitting Britain's coal stocks by semaphore during a dance routine to the song:Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree.

The head of MI6 at the time was Dame Bunty Neuremburg, who has since admitted that it had all been a false trail.

"It should have been my finest moment" She said in her memoirs: Watching Me, Watching Hugh"

"Ah-ha. Instead it was a complete balls-up".

"It all started because one of our officers was so bored opening people's letters all day long, and reading their gas-bills, that he dreamt up the Bruce Forsyth tap-dancing/Morse-code message. And it just snowballed from there. There was actually nothing in any of it, but of course you can make anything fit a theory. Once Forsyth got wind of it we had to give him a knighthood to keep him quiet. Although we did manage to get Dave Lee Travis kicked off the Radio 1 breakfast show, so I suppose something came out of it".

When approached, Sir Bruce said: "All right my loves. You get nothing for a pair you know. We asked a hundred people to give us a twirl, and what do points make eh? Still, nice to see you to see you nice. Now piss off".

Dave Lee Travis was unavailable for comment, but is available for panto.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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