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Sunday, 20 May 2012

image for Local Couple Told To Get Their House In Order
Number 10

A civil partnership couple, David and Nick, have been told to clean up their backyard by angry neighbours this week, after a tit-for-tat row spilled over into the local media, The McMurdoch Press. Relations within the community had been strained for some time, forcing Mrs Merkel ( Neighbourhood Watch Chairwoman) to intervene, after new resident Fran├žois Hollande complained to her earlier this week. Monsieur Hollande alleged that it was impossible to use his own backyard due to the overspill from Number 10.

Speaking in defence of the couple, David said that he believed this latest row stemmed from an earlier unfortunate misunderstanding between himself and Monsieur Hollande. David said "Just before moving in, Fran├žois Hollande popped round to borrow a cup of sugar and, I suppose to introduce himself but unfortunately, I was just too busy to see him. Ironically, trying to clean up the mess that he is now complaining about".

Barely managing to stifle a tear he continued,

"Nick and I moved here almost immediately after our marriage, although I realise some people do not like us using the term.

Just like any newlyweds we were optimistic about the future. Indeed, the previous owners had left the house in a much worse state than we had originally thought. Let me tell you, it has put a tremendous strain on our relationship at times but, we still feel confident we can tackle this together. Now, I'll be perfectly honest here, it's not in my nature to blame others for my mistakes but, I believe that if Monsieur Holande and his ilk had seen exactly the mess we had inherited, he would applaud the progress we've made so far. It's been tough. Decisions had to be made. Tough decisions but, at the end of the day, when I look into Nicks' eyes, I know it's all worth it. As we quite often say, after a hard day at it, we're in it together".

I put it to David that some of his neighbours have been highly critical of the couple recently and asked for his reaction.

" It has been totally shocking I can tell you. I am no racist but, I believe, a lot of these bloody foreigners around here are. The Greek couple down the road for instance. There have been rumours for years that they lied on their mortgage application and wot-not, to the point that they cannot afford their repayments. The Spanish couple the same thing. The list is almost endless. I just wish there were more Chinese in the neighbourhood to be honest. I greatly admire the Chinese. Small houses but lots of them".

I decided to bring the conversation closer to home and asked David to comment on their anniversary. He told me:

"It was our second anniversary recently and I had arranged for Nick and myself to visit a local tractor factory before it closed. Nick's into tractors apparently. Just to see the smile on his little face as he laughed and joked with the workers made me realise how lucky i am. I love him with all my heart and just wish certain sad bigots would leave us alone to finish the house once and for all.".

Unfortunately, Nick was doing the weekly shopping at Fortnum & Mason and was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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