London, Monday 24 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): Downing Street has admitted today that the exorbitant cost of grooming Cherry Bush QC during the 2005 general election was due to an infestation of lice which had taken refuge in Mrs Blair's coiffage after she borrowed a dodgy wig from the Lord Chancellor's official robing rooms at the Royal Courts of Justice.
A pest control officer had to be hired by the Labour Party when the infestation got out of control and started spreading to other follicles resident in Downing Street.
The option of shaving her head and then undergoing specialist radiation therapy did not appeal to Mrs Blair who opted for daily trichological massages using lifestyle guru Carole Caplin's personal organic unguents mixed with a compound of body fluids provided by holistic snake oil salesmen who had made loans worth ££££££££££s to the Labour Party's 2005 general election campaign coffers.
Luckily for the campaign's financial directors, the whole treatment was sponsored by Herbal Essences who provided suitable psychotherapy support and a free supply of five years' worth of industrial-strength insect repellant, suitable for use elsewhere on the anatomy.
Members of Mrs Blair's entourage at the hustings co-operated in this high-tech treatment with daily ablution rituals consisting of a sheep-dip arrangement through which all party members had to step in before coming into contact with the Downing Street party. Voting members of the public were then chemically irradiated by stealth machines cunningly disguised as the Labour Party'd battle buses, thus ensuring the infestation was contained outside the perimiters of the following day's news headlines.
A spokesman for the National Poisons Unit which had acted as official Labour Party advisor during the 2005 campaign insisted that a follow-up course of immunizations that Cherie had taken were absolutely vital to avoid any future repetition of the lousy outbreak.
A commercial patent for the remedy is now being launched on the open market and will be accompanied by a promotional special book tour by Mrs Blair which will take her on yet another worldwide whirlwind tour of lecture audiences where gullible members of the global order of the Skull N Bones will be able to fork out $$$$$$$$ for the priviledge of hearing the lady speak of her ordeal.
And, in an act of extraordinary generosity, Mrs Blair is believed to have asked for her body to be donated to science after her death so that a serum can be made from her own, now restored follicles and injected in utero to all pre-born babies in the United Kingdom, thus ensuring they will all be born healthy, wise and conjenitally pre-disposed to vote for the UK Labour Party.