Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Sunday, 20 May 2012

image for Cameron Tells Britain's Starving To Eat Dandylions, Clover, and Roadkill Pheasant!
Used to be going cheep...er, cheap!

Reports from many inner city hospitals show they are now having to treat hundreds of people turning up at A&E suffering from food poisoning. The reason is thought to be directly linked to soaring food prices in the high streets with many starving people now being forced to turn to wild growing weeds and roadkill meats in a desparate search for food.

Dismissing demands for food vouchers to now be given to Britain's poor pensioners and the unemployed, the Prime Minister said today it was only fair and right for those who can't afford to buy luxury foods like cabbages or chicken wings from supermarkets to have to make do with alternative food sources such as wild growing dandylions, clover, and roadkill pheasant easily available for them to eat from along our many country lanes.

Pointing out that the vast majority of the food poisoning victims are those who have been brought up in towns and cities Mr Cameron insists it isn't the governments responsibilty to teach people the difference between edible and non-edible wild plants but the responsibility of each person to do that through trial and error. Speaking from the steps outside Number 10 this morning he made it absoluely clear that cabbage and chicken food vouchers would not be issued.

"When I was a child living in our old Rectory at Newbury in Berkshire I would often find a dead pheasant along the country lanes when out doing my paper round early in the morning," he reminisced. "I'd scoop it up into my bag together with some dandylions and clover from the surrounding pastures and mummy would prepare the most delicious free meal for all the family. In fact one of my favourite meals has always been a nice pheasant pasty."

Following the Prime Minister's comments, a Miss Dandy Lyon, a nutritionist at a clinic in the East London borough of Hackney contacted us by email to accuse the prime Minister of being out of touch with reality saying the fact of the matter is that there are many starving people who are now turning to things like privet bushes to eat in the mistaken belief that anything green growing is the same as a healthy vegetable.

"There isn't the time for people to educate themselves on what wild plants are safe to eat and what ones aren't" she writes, "and telling them to learn that through trial and error isn't only irresponsibly dangerous, it's also causing our hospitals to be inundated every day with large numbers of very sick people rolling on the floor holding their stomachs in absolute agony.

'Admittedly in recent years many owners of the houses in this area of London have done away with their front garden privet hedges replacing them with concrete driveways, but there are still lots of houses with the privet, and at this time of year those privet hedges grow so very quickly. This has resulted in many of the local starving people around here going out in the middle of the night with shears or with scissors from their kitchen drawers cutting away privet from resident's front garden hedges then taking the cuttings back to their flats in carrier bags to feed their families. The privet bush is not a vegetable," claims Dr Dandy Lyon, "and it isn't safe to eat not even when well boiled."

Nevertheless she does admit Mr Cameron is correct regarding dandylions and clover.

"Both are safe to eat and also full of vitamins," she says. "In fact although eating many of Britain's wild growing flowers, weeds, berries, bushes and so on will cause terrible stomach pains, and certainly eating some of them will bring about instantaneous death, there are of course many delicious wild growing weeds to be found along the grass verges of our dual carriageways for starving people to collect and cook for their meals.

'Mr Cameron is also correct when saying roadkill meats to go with the edible wild growing weeds and flowers can often be found along our roads, but in this area of London at least I can assure him the chances of anyone finding a roadkill pheasant is next to nil. The starving people around here are scooping up the dead remains of pigeons to eat, not pheasants. Certainly a pigeon contains just as many nutrients and vitamins as a scrawny factory farm produced chicken, and a nice roast pigeon does go very nice with chips, but we do not have country lanes in Hackney Mr Cameron, and the roads around here are very busy with joyriders whizzing around in their stolen cars, thunderous rumbling juggernauts, and police officers with their take away curries blue lighting them back to their colleagues at Hackney police station before they get cold. Anyone deciding to scoop up the roadkill remains of a dead pigeon from a Hackney road risks becoming another roadkill victim as well!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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