Written by Eurocleese De Zouch
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Saturday, 19 May 2012

The phantom Calculator stroker, Kevin Sneeze was finally caught in a Dorking Ryman's on Thursday afternoon. Mr Sneeze's main affliction (dubbed "The Calculator Pimp" by local ombudsmen) was Calculators. He would parade around the various stationers in the town, and shout out the "rude words" he used to spell out using the special digits.

Mr Sneeze seemed to get erotic throbbings from shouting 58008, 58008 and 5318008.

Alan Kettle, store manager of Dorking WH Smith shuffled "Once or twice a week, this strange man draped in Beef would pop in every Wednesday afternoon to flick through our stationary. However once he reached the Calculators, we would start jamming our stock down his trousers, giggle, then have a good sniff of them. He would then put them all back."

Local Paediatrician, Alice Soothing added "I knew he was trouble from day one. I saw it in his teeth. I've known him from the age of 5, and his teeth told me that this man, when aged 39, will become besotted with Calculators and pictures of Chickens. I was proved right after the Police raided his home, and found thousands of pictures of Eggs in a suitcase. I wasn't too surprised to learn about the nest he made in each of his rooms, or about the vast number of John Inman waxworks - well we think it's wax."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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