Animal welfare groups warned yesterday that the streets of Britain may soon be virtually impassable as they become clogged with morbidly overweight pigeons.
According to bird and wildlife protectionist Percy Nobbleton, the flying rats' diet has evolved in line with that of humans so that they too are fighting the flab. Unfortunately, whereas people have a sympathetic health service and benefit system to rely on, the pigeons are not so lucky.
Estimates suggest that if the birds continue to pile on the pounds at the current rate they will become flightless within the next 10 years.
"In the old days," said Nobbleton, "pigeons lived off crusts and whatever crumbs lonely old women threw at them. Our love of junk food and littering means they now feast on KFC bones and kebab meat, and they don't have Weight Watchers to fall back on."
Nobbleton also had a warning for those people who are more than happy to watch the vermin suffer from Feltz syndrome.
"There's a tipping point where weight overcomes thrust. If that occurs when the poor bugger is on a roof, the next time he dives down for a McNugget will be his last. Do you really want to be underneath when that happens?"