Windsor - Some of the world's most repugnant Global Piss Process luminaries are heading to Windsor Castle for the Diamond Jubilee freakshow.
Top of the list is Elizabeth Windsor, ultimate royal hoaxer and wife of the current Pope.
Her star-studded guest list reads like NATO's 'Top 100 Most Wanted' and includes piss-taking despots from around the globe.
Sadness abounds at the absence of General Pinochet, ultimate bad-ass tosser and murdering filth.
His place at the dinner table was to have been taken by Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe, a persona non grata due to 'excessive' crimes.
Missing too is George 'Dubya' Bush - reportedly too damned scared to leave the US on account of various arrest warrants for a life dedicated to organised crime.
Gary Glitter very nearly made it but has been laid low with an unspecified 'bug' thought to be a two-way voice transmitter provided by the probation service.
Instead the guest list has to make do with assorted arseholes like King Hamad of Bahrain, Syria's President Assad and JK Rowling.
Tomorrow they will gorge themselves on UK taxpayer-funded feasts, one at lunchtime at Windsor Castle and a second in the evening at Buckingham Palace.
Estimates for the food and wine bill have been put at close to a quarter of a million quid.
Fortunately a government tarot reader has predicted confidentially the whole dreadful trainwreck monarchy will end with the weekend's solar eclipse.
Kate Middleton's ex-coke dealing uncle Gary Goldsmith is guest of honor at the evening gig.