Written by IainB
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

image for Penguins lay waste to a London Nightclub

Police were called to the Mackerel Nightclub on King Street in London last night after three dozen penguins descended on the club and started causing a riot.

"It was mayhem," said chief bouncer, Trevor "No Neck" Wetherspoon. "I was stopping this crowd of lads getting in because they were in trainers, when all of sudden these penguins appeared demanding entry."

The club has no rules specifically designed to prevent the entry of penguins, and Wetherspoon was unsure as to how to proceed.

"I mean, they were in full dinner jackets and everything," said Weatherspoon. "They looked posh enough to get in, except none of them had shoes on."

Weatherspoon initially tried to deny the penguins entry to the club on the basis of not wearing shoes, but the rules only state no trainers, and not that shoes must be worn.

"It started getting ugly," admitted Weatherspoon. "In the end, I had a word with my boss, and he said to let them in."

The lads also gained entry by removing their trainers and coming in barefoot. The sudden large influx of penguins into the club was exacerbated by the foul mood the penguins were in after their disagreement at the entry, plus their lack of money to pay on the door.

"They overwhelmed me," said cashier Kate Speight. "As I was trying to explain to one of the penguins that they had to pay to get in, dozens of them were getting in anyway."

All of the bouncers were called to try and evict the penguins that had not paid to get in.

"They were all over the club by now," said Weatherspoon. "Most of them were complaining that there were no mackerel anywhere in the club, whilst others were stealing drinks from the other customers."

With thirty something drunk penguins racing around the club causing trouble, skittering around the dance floor and disrupting other dancers, the club owners had no choice but to call the police.

It took the police nearly half an hour to arrive, by which point the penguins had caused fifty thousand pounds worth of damage. The penguins were eventually rounded up and taken to the cells to sleep off their night of debauchery.

"Who's the victim here?" said Frank Mackerel, the owner of the club. "I call the police to get these penguins evicted, and it turns out penguins only live for fifteen years, so none of them could have been twenty-one. We've been closed down for allowing minors into the club."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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