Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

image for Chiswick In Close Shave With Nazi Jackboot

Chiswick had a run-in with Hitler's war machine yesterday and was only saved thanks to the quick thinking of a Yorkshire tourist and a classical musician.

The terrifying incident happened around 1.30 pm as local office workers and pensioners were enjoying their lunch in the three popular pubs on the leafy London suburb's Strand On The Green stretch of the Thames.

Mr Jimmy Dickinson, 52, of Batley, West Yorks, who says he is no relation to the celebrated Portsmouth and England midfielder who played 764 times for the south coast club, was waiting for his tuna sandwich and chips at the Bull's Head.

"Well, me knee were givin' me reet bloody gyp all mornin' and I knew from me days on t'North Atlantic convoys that that could only mean trouble.

"Well, reet enough, I were havin' a pint o'that bloody southern rubbish, London Pride, when ovver 't'top o' me glass what should I see but a ruddy great Jerry U-boat surfacing in t'middle o' t'bloody Thames."

As other drinkers and diners panicked and ran inside, Mr Dickinson leapt into action before the U-boat crew could clear the conning tower and deck.

"I'd noticed that t'landlord had a fully operational M1919 .30 calibre Browning mounted machine gun as a trophy behind t'bar so I ran in, leapt ovver t' bar, grabbed it and ran outside wi' it. I attached it to t'fence and aimed at t'U-Boat and fired but nowt happened."

Fortunately, popular chamber musicians, the Belcea Quartet, we also dining at the Bull's Head and violinist Corina Belcea rushed to Mr Dickinson's aid.

"I could see he was having trouble with the Browning and having had experience with the M1919 I knew what was wrong. I ran over and quickly managed to unjam the firing pin," she said.

Mr Dickinson fired a few rounds at the submarine which had the desired effect.

"Well, someone popped their head out of t'conning tower but when they heard them bullets whizzing by they disappeared back inside, schnellish, and t'U-boat just submerged again.

"I don't think them buggers'll be comin' back."

A spokesman for Chiswick said: "Well, we breathed a sigh of relief today. We can only thank Mr Dickinson and Ms Belcea for their prompt action and say they're welcome here any time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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