Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 11 May 2012

image for Pentagon pain ray to be deployed at London 2012 Olympics
A test run targetting the International Space Stationj tonight

London - One zap at the gonads and any future chances of fatherhood rapidly diminish to approximately 100/1.

Today's unveiling aboard HMS Ocean confirms the Pentagon's legendary sonic blaster will be deployed during the Games to keep the peace.

And while there's no guessing who exactly may be its target one good bet says it's any civilian daft enough to streak in front of Her Maj the Queen.

Weapons experts have described how the Star Treq-esque ray gun can send 'verbal warnings' over a distance of around five miles.

Or ratchet up the temperature to emit excruciating pain at targeted bits of the body, "like the wallet."

Another high tech function has the American groin blaster instantly bar code any targeted miscreants, its laser tattooing an indelible skin mark whose coordinates are then automatically stored in police computers.

This morning's test run saw a surreptitious blast at Rebekah Brooks just as she arrived to testify at the Leveson Inquiry.

Her subsequent evidence baffled tv audiences until the 6 o'clock news said she'd felt 'sick as a parrot'.

The first official deployment of the pain taser will take place at the Windsor jubilee cringe fest this Sunday afternoon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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