Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 11 May 2012

image for Little Divot Man Facing Child Labour Charges
'Dirty Barry' in his early years as a chimney sweep.

The once sleepy village of Little Divot has yet again been rocked by even more shocking criminality.

After a recent attempted armed robbery at the local post office and a drug heist on Marrakech Avenue, the village will now have to come to terms with a child labour scandal.

Local chimney sweep, Barry Shattock, known to his customers as 'Dirty Barry', was arrested yesterday after it emerged that he had been using children as young as five to do his dirty work.

Mr Shattock, 58, was charged today after admitting employing children to clean his clients chimneys

Detective Inspector Pat Diddy explained the case against Mr Shattock. "We received a tip off suggesting that he was using children and attempting to pass them off as midgets. We spent a couple of weeks observing Mr Shattock and it was clear to us that he was employing kids and shoving them up chimneys. It's completely unacceptable whatever the circumstances."

Mr Shattock's lawyer, Amber Lance-Chaser, acknowledged her clients guilt but tried to explain his motives. She said, "Mr Shattock's business has been struggling in recent years what with the recession and people not using their chimneys anymore. As a result of ill health Mr Shattock has been unable to do the work himself so he began employing midgets but the costs were, ironically, too high. It was then that he made the foolish decision to hire children."

Standing beside his lawyer, Mr Shattock added, "I worked up chimneys from the age of five", he wheezed. "It never did me any harm." After pausing to cough up some phlegm he continued. "I only have one lung and I've had seventeen heart attacks over the years. I spend most my time in an iron lung these days but it's something to do I suppose. Anyway, I was just trying to keep my business afloat. It's not like I killed anyone, well, except that one time." Referring to his brother and one time business partner Vernon who died after choking on a piece of coal thrown at him by Mr Shattock in 1998.

Village busy body and retired racist, Wally Spankerton, 68, claims that he tipped off the police. "I couldn't give a monkeys about using child labour. I just don't like him. He's always swanning around in his iron lung like he's something special. Serves him right for being a bleeding show off."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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