Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: London 2012

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

The London Games were thrown into chaos yesterday as it was discovered a water based beast is terrorising the River Thames. Back and to the Left news investigates.

After three hours of looking at the river from our vantage point (the side) we were unable to determine whether or not there was actually any monster lurking beneath the waves. Also by this point we were very tired, so we decided to interview someone who knows more about the situation. We interviewed Mr. S.Pool, chief organiser of the water based events. Pool explained:

"Well I was stood on the bank throwing stones at swans because I hate the Queen. Then to my surprise I saw two of them get dragged under the water. And I thought shit! Was that me? I didn't even think I hit one! Then I realised that I hadn't hit a thing and it was something in the water."

The press immediately went into overdrive speculating what the terrifying creature could be. Ideas from a crocodile to a giant snake were put forward as no-body thought about the event with a ounce of sanity. John Allover a self confirmed expert on aquatic life contacted BATTL News to explain what he believed was to blame for the untimely death of the two swans:

"I think the time has come for the British public to be told the truth about the dangers of our nations waterways. Like Nessie in Scotland, the Thames may have it's own prehistoric creature preparing to pounce on unsuspecting swimmers."

When pushed on what sort of creature he speculated to be found he gave a surprising answer.

"A water bourn velociraptor. With fins instead of feet. That is something I wouldn't rule out despite the fact dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years."

There's no scientific, forensic or even visual proof that a water borne velociraptor could be the cause of the attacks. But Mr Allover did have a massive beard and it is a well known fact that the longer the beard the more scientific wisdom the wearer has accumulated.

There were a number of other "experts" who had their own theories on what had happened but due to lack of time (and the fact we couldn't be arsed) their opinions have been neglected.

But the "River Raptor" could have disastrous repercussions on the Games.

"We were hoping to conduct most of the swimming events in the River Thames. But with what could be a prehistoric killing machine roaming the waterways we might have to rethink our strategy."

Said a spokesman who I'm pretty sure was giving the reporter the eye for most of her statement.

Despite the possible sexual attraction between BATTL news and the spokesman we were unable to get any more details on the story. But this reporter can't help but wonder if this turn of events could be the shot in the arm the swimming competition needs. A boring sport dominated by a fish/man hybrid (Michael Phelps) could soon be reinvented into a survival of the fittest dash through one of the most treacherous stretches of river known to man. The beast of Brixton (please note the animal was sighted no where near Brixton) might do for swimming what Nessie did for Scottish tourism.

Then again what will probably happen is the Canadian athlete will get his leg bit off and the board will have the health and safety committee stampeding up its ass.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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