Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Farting, the controversial technique for obtaining the new energy source, methane gas, should be allowed nationwide, according to a recent directive from the Energy Commission.

"The universally variegated act of farting, which has been blamed for causing earthquakes and polluting the atmosphere, should be encouraged as long as it is monitored and accompanied by measures to minimize decibel output and liquid emissions," said the chairman of the Environment Agency, Ivor Rumbler. "Farting ticks most of the boxes on low cost, after-glow and availability," he said. "Where e'r you be, let your wind go free."

Ivor Rumbler's endorsement of farting should promote further widespread use of the procedure, which involves pumping out the gaseous contents of the stomach and lower bowels under very high pressure, thereby releasing the valuable methane gas.

However, Greenpeace campaigners have warned that "evidence from obese Americans suggests that excessive farting could be damaging to the climate." And prolific farters have been advised not to stand near open fires.

New technology will also enable farting outputs to be collected at huge wind farms, currently being built all over Britain. Free transport will be provided for frequently flatulent donors.

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