Written by Menominee
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

Chelsea have lodged a "substantial" bid for the defunct Battersea power station as injuries and suspensions continue to decimate the heart of their defence.

Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck revealed that the situation was increasingly becoming unsolvable using traditional means. Floppy-haired  dilettante David Luiz and functional bull-necked artisan Gary Cahill are both hamstrung by hamstring injuries and unpopular sociopath John Terry is banned from the Champions' (sic) League Final for shooting in the face a tiny, cowering, dark-skinned child.

Buck said, "The rules are nonsensical. We can't just go and snap up other teams' players because of some ridiculous transfer window regulation, yet we aren't allowed to carry dozens of high quality reserves on wacky wages because that defies some other idiotic rule. It's like UEFA want us to play with both hands tied behind our back."

The answer lies outside the box, said Buck, warming to his theme and pulling out a white board on which he began drawing some sort of flow chart. Time moved on but Buck seemed unable to stop sketching.

Journalists were initially confused but then became impatient as Buck drew on. Eventually an attractive PA handed out explanatory A4 sheets and, as Buck produced a palette and some pastel watercolours a curtain fell, and so they filed out with the full details at their fingertips.

Chelsea's audacious plan is to play the power station - Europe's largest brick building - at centre-half in the Champions' (sic) League Final.

Employing a building on a playing contract during the season appears to contravene no applicable rule say Chelsea's lawyers so the power station - handed number 322 on the squad shirt list - will be taken down brick by brick then re-erected on the edge of the 18-yard box Chelsea defend in the first half of the final in Munich.

Chelsea have lodged an extraordinary special request (compliant with regulation 22.217) with UEFA if half-time can be extended to nine days while the power station is once again dismantled and then re-installed at the other end.

Buck was still sketching the next morning so this reporter contacted Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich for a comment.

"Why can't I do this?" he yelled from a golden helicopter. "I'm richer than God so I'll do whatever the Bruce Buck I want!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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